Big-Ass Rock

Let's find a rock, I mean a big-ass rock
Or maybe something like, a cinder block is better
I'll hoist it up and drop it on your face, my buddy.

And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend with a rock, who cares
I mean a big-ass rock.

Or rope, I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are, my buddy, Michael.

(Uhh, that's Malcolm?)
Yeah, Malcolm, Right!

And I won't leave you swinging there
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air
I'll grab your feet and pal of mine
I'll pull real hard and snap your spinal cord.

This world is cold when you're alone and they ignore you
But don't kill yourself, we'll do it for you.

You've got a friend
You've got a friend
You've got a friend.

You know, I asked a guy once
If he'd mind putting me in a barrel
And sending me over the falls
You know what the son of a bitch said?
"Drop dead, asshole"
People are pricks.

I asked this guy to take his air compressor
And drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye
What'd he say? "I'm low on nails"
People are selfish pricks.

You know another time, now get this
I lay down in front of a steam roller
And asked the guy just to proceed
You know, business as usual
And just squash me like a bug.

That's a good way to go, Jer, the ol' bug squash
Hey! We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head!
Naw, that's such a wimp suicide.

I stuck my finger in a socket once
It hurt real bad, but it didn't kill me.

Malcolm, stay out of this
I've got a friend like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon used to sing?
I always get those two confused, but anyway.

I turned around and suddenly
I'm not alone, it ain't just me
I'm like a player on the team
(Player on our team)
I'm part of the gang
(Part of the gang)
A member of the club!
(Welcome to the club)

Ooh, let's get a club!
I like the big-ass rock
Naw, one good swing and I'll clean his clock forever
Let gravity do the work!
It's a man's way to die, Mikey! (Malcolm!)

(I got friends)
Friends who will love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track and tie you down
I've got friends!

Or tickle your wrist with a single-edge razor
Or buy you a beer with a Draino chaser
Or dump you in the river with a rock!
A big-ass rock.

Here's a nice one right over here
Hey, can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy
No, Dave
It ain't heavy, he's my friend
Come on, group hug!