Creepy Old Guy

[LYDIA]
Way back when
I was just ten
Simple and sweet
Everywhere
Fellas would stare
Out on the street
And I felt used
Kinda confused
I would refuse to look in their eyes
But now I really love creepy old guys!

[ALL]
We all do!
[BARBARA]
Gum disease
[DELIA]
Skin like grilled cheese
[LYDIA]
Saggy old asses!
[DELIA, spoken]
Saggy old asses!
[LYDIA]
It’s cute and vile-
[DELIA & BARBARA]
“Hey baby, smile!”
[LYDIA]
To each girl that passes!
[DELIA]
(wolf-whistling)
[LYDIA]
They make me blush!

[BARBARA]
Can’t get enough!
[LYDIA]
Now one of ‘em loves me, wants to be mine!
[BARBARA AND DELIA]
That’s right!
[LYDIA]
Marrying my own creepy old guy!
[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
I’m a creepy old guy!

[LYDIA]
My creepy old guy, my creepy old guy
I’m so happy I could cry!
[BARBARA & DELIA]
Girls may seem disgusted, but we’re actually just shy!
[LYDIA]
My creepy old groom!
[BARBARA]
Creepy old groom!
[BARBARA & LYDIA]
Play that wedding tune
[LYDIA]
Hey folks, step aside!
[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
I am older, but I’m glad I waited!

[LYDIA]
'Cuz here comes the bride!
I am marrying my creepy old guy
[THE OTHERS]
Creepy old guy, creepy old guy, creepy old guy
[LYDIA]
My creepy old guy!
[THE OTHERS]
Creepy old guy, creepy old guy, creepy old guy!

[LYDIA]
Fix his hair
Get him prepared
For Armageddon
[BARBARA]
Sure, the groom
Crawled out of a tomb
[DELIA]
But hey, hey, it’s a wedding!

[LYDIA]
So dim the lights
Pick up some rice
Say something nice!
It’s my day to shine
I'm getting hitched to my creepy old guy!

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
It's showtime!
[BARBARA & DELIA]
Creepy old guy, creepy old guy
She’s marrying a creepy old guy!

[CHARLES]
Have you guys seen “Lolita”?
This is just like that, but fine!

[THE OTHERS]
Creepy old dude, creepy old dude
Our faith has been renewed
Now love is alive!

[LYDIA]
Wave your baby girl goodbye
I am walking down the aisle
I wanna see a tear in every eye as I pass by
I know that on the outside he’s disgusting
And even on the inside, he’s disgusting
But I know that this time, I'm makin' it right.

[THE OTHERS]
Making it right, making it right!
[LYDIA]
With my family by my side
[BETELGEUSE]
O-M-G
Dressed to a "T"
Fancy and formal
I found me a wife
L'chaim! To life!
This is so normal!
I was ignored
But now, I’m adored!
‘Cause I extorted, tortured, and lied
Give it up for my underage bride!

[THE OTHERS]
Here comes the bride
Here comes the bride
God be glorified!

[ALL (INCLUDING BETELGEUSE AND LYDIA)]
I can’t believe some cultures think this kind of thing’s alright
[LYDIA]
My creepy old guy
My creepy old guy
Doesn’t he deserve a chance at life?

[BETELGEUSE]
Oh yeah, that’s right!
[OTHERS]
Yeah, that's right!
[LYDIA]
Let’s make him alive!
I am marrying my creepy old guy!

[THE OTHERS]
Guy, guy, guy, creepy old guy, guy, guy, creepy old guy!
Guy, guy!
[BETLEGEUSE, spoken]
I have chills!
[ALL]
Yeeeeeeeeah!