It Would Have Been Wonderful

I should never have gone to the theatre
Then I'd never have come to the country
If I never had come to the country
Matters might have stayed as they were.

Sir...
Sir...

If she'd only been faded
If she'd only been fat
If she'd only been jaded
And bursting with chat
If she'd only been perfectly awful
It would have been wonderful
If...if...

If she'd been all a-twitter
Or elusively cold
If she'd only been bitter
Or better, looked passably old
If she'd been covered with glitter
Or even been covered with mold
It would have been wonderful.

But the woman was perfection
To my deepest dismay
Well, not quite perfection
I'm sorry to say
If the woman were perfection
She would go away
And that would be wonderful
Sir...
Sir...

If she'd only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed
If she weren't so awfully perfect
It would have been wonderful
If...if...

If she'd tried to be clever
If she'd started to flinch
If she'd cried or whatever
A woman would do in a pinch
If I'd been certain she never
Again could be trusted an inch
It would have been wonderful.

But the woman was perfection
Not an action denied
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide
If the woman were perfection
She'd have simply lied
Which would have been wonderful.

If she'd only been vicious
If she'd acted abused
Or a bit too delicious
Or been even slightly confused.

If she had only been sulky
Or bristling
Or bulky
Or bruised
It would have been wonderful
If...
If...
If she'd only been wilful
If she only had fled
Or a little less skillful
Insulted, insisting
In bed
If she had only been fearful
Or married
Or tearful
Or dead.

It would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection
And the prospects are grim
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim
Yes, the woman was perfection
So I'm here with him!

Sir...
Sir...

It would have been wonderful.