Master Of The House

[Drinker 3] Come on you old pest
[Drinker 2] Fetch a bottle of your best
[Drinker 1] What's the nectar of the day?
(Thenardier enters with a flask of wine)

[Thenardier]
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardier.

[Drinkers]
Gissa glass a rum
Landlord, over here!

[Thenardier]
Right away, you scum (to himself)
Right away, m'sieur (to customer)

[Diner 1] God this place has gone to hell
[Diner 2] So you tell me every year.

[Drinker 6]
Mine host Thenardier
He was there so they say
At the field of waterloo.

[Drinker 7]
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through.

[Drinker 1]
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets
Of the english dead.

[Drinker 8]
He made a tidy score
From the spoils of war.

[Thenardier]
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours.

[Diner 1]
Ain't got a clue
What he put in this stew
Must have scraped it off the street.

[Diner 2]
God what a wine
Chateau neuf de turpentine
Must have pressed it with his feet.

[Drinkers]
Landlord over here
Where's the bloody man
One more for the road
Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.

[Girl]
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

(Thenardier greets a new customer)

[Thenardier]
Welcome, m'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be.

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em
Of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

[Thenardier & chorus]
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone.

[Thenardier]
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

(to another new customer)
[Thenardier]
Enter m'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road.

(taking his bag)

This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer
And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages
With this and that.

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

[Thenardier and chorus]
Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got.

[Thenardier]
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

[Mme. Thenardier]
I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God almighty
Have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"comforter, philosopher"
- and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover
But there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

[Thenardier & chorus] Master of the house.

[Mme. Thenardier] Master and a half!

[Thenardier & chorus] Comforter, philosopher

[Mme. Thenardier] Ah, don't make me laugh!

[Thenardier & chorus]
Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.

[Mme. Thenardier]
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

[Thenardier & chorus]
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse!

[Thenardier] Everybody raise a glass

[Mme. Thenardier] Raise it up the master's arse.

[All]
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!