Phantom Limb Masturbation

It started as a child
When I first sought to flirt with fate
I'd lay next to the tracks with arms outstretched across the rails
Daydreaming, fantasizing of sparks and screeching brakes
The plumes of bright red, gushing, iridescent in the sun.

Adopt a life of struggle
One down, three more to go
Desire: amputation
Leave me writhing in the limbless throes.

It is deficiency I crave
I want so to be helpless, to inferiority a slave
A clump of breathing flesh
Free from extremity
Now replete with nothing left.

Disassemble me, limb from limb
Oh, what a treat!
No more feeling incomplete nor encumbered by this lie.

My prayer is for calamity
Merciful blades to sever me
Crippling, detruncating
Immobile by design.

Majestic, ancient titan swims proudly in its tank
I wish to slake its hunger, flailing my legs as bait.

“I finally feel complete! I am now whole!”

Superfluous gesture, an unnecessary art
Sacrificial offering unto the gilded saw
Rid me of my shame— of what I've overachieved
My envy is the handicapped
Lord, I beg of you, I plead... I plead!

Wheelchairs, prosthetics, crutches
All stimulus to me
My love, beyond mere fetish
Call it disabling.

I'd waltz upon a landmine
Feed digits to machines
Phantom limb masturbation
The only way!

Disassemble me, limb from limb
Oh, what a treat!
No more feeling incomplete nor encumbered by this lie.

My prayer is for calamity
Merciful blades to sever me
Crippling, detruncating
Immobile by design.

Disassemble me, piece by piece
A loving feat
Body image, incomplete
Corrected by a knife.

My hope is for catastrophe
A gangrenous limbdectomy
Dismantling, dismembering
Cut down to perfect size.