The Girl For You

[AARON] Should we continue playing Jewish Geography? 'Cause I can give you like ten more names...

[CASEY] We can. I am good at this game.
Even if I'm not a Jew.

[JEWISH CHORUS]
Oy vey! Oy vey!

[AARON] I'm sorry, what did you just say?
[CASEY] I said, I'm not a Jew...

[JEWISH CHORUS]
Oy vey! Oy vey!
This isn't the girl for you
This isn't the girl for you
Dai dai dai dai dai dai
Dai dai
Dai dai dai dai dai dai dai
This isn't the girl for you.

[GRANDMA IDA] Aaron, bubalah!!
[AARON] Grandma Ida, is that you?
[GRANDMA IDA] That's right!
[AARON]
What are you doing here? You're dead.

[GRANDMA IDA]
I was busy praying
At my temple in the sky
When I got an urgent message
That came straight from adonai!

He said, "Ida, it's your grandson
He is acting out of line
'Cause he's dating casey clark
Instead of dating sarah stein!"

I begged, "Yahweh, send me to him!
I have wisdom to impart!
Plus my grandson Aaron loves me
And he'd never break my heart.

I can make the pischer understand
The error of his ways
Even I once schtupped a schvartza
It was just a passing phase!"

[JEWISH CHORUS]
Eh, the schvartza was a phase!

[GRANDMA IDA]
So listen to me, boychik
You're a mensch who's been endowed
With brains and looks and talent
I could plotz, I'm just so proud!

But though I cut you slack
When you did not return my calls
If you wed this little tsatskeleh
I'll break your matzah balls!

[JEWISH CHORUS]
This isn't the girl for you! - Oy oy oy!
This isn't the girl for you! - a goy goy goy!

[GRANDMA IDA]
She considers jesus boss
And thinks you nailed him to the cross!

[GRANDMA IDA & JEWISH CHORUS]
This isn't the girl for you!
Not for you, not for you - hey!
Not for you - hey!
She's not for you!

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
Aaron?

[AARON]
Whoa. And who are you?

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
I'm Casey's father. Her very disapproving, very Christian father. And Aaron...
You are ruining my daughter's life
Never thought my baby'd be a hebrew's wife
Why would people called
"The chosen ones"
Choose to wear strange hats
And circumcise their sons?

[CHURCH CHOIR & GRANDMA IDA]
Circumcise their sons!

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
You don't know the holy trinity
Or the joy felt when you trim a christmas tree.

And since you cannot sing "The first noel"
Jesus christ won't save you
From the gates of hell.

[CHURCH CHOIR & GRANDMA IDA]
You'll go straight to hell!
Everyone hallelujah!

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
Every angel sings for the easter bunny
And the eggs he brings.

[CHURCH CHOIR & GRANDMA IDA]
Hallelujah!

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
Christians pass the test
We are not semitic
Therefore we are blessed.

[EVERYONE]
This isn't the girl for you
This isn't the girl for you.

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
How can I stay cool and calm
When you don't praise the virgin mom?

[EVERYONE]
This isn't the girl for you!

[AARON'S FUTURE SON]
Yo, Dad. 'sup?

[AARON]
Uhh, I'm sorry - "Dad"?

[AARON'S FUTURE SON]
What, you don't recognize me?
I'm yours and Casey's future son
And I'm, like, beyond messed up So - thanks for that.

You got me so confused
I don't know which way to choose
Do I celebrate christmas or chanukan?
Either way, I lose.

'Cause I don't know what to believe in
With the mixed signals I'm receivin'
Now, I don't fit into a box
I'm strung out with doubt and I can't detox.

Should I live life for the moment?
Or should I kneel and repent?
Do I believe the messiah's comin'
Or came and went?

I'm stuck and It's fuckin' depressin'
From all this perpetual guessin'
Don't mean to be preachy
But like nietzsche the nihilist
I'm thinkin' that God don't exist.

Do I cry at schindler's list
Or weep at the passion of the Christ?!
Everyone else both!

Should I shop retail
When there is no sale
Or kvetch that It's all overpriced?!
I'm gonna haunt you like a poltergeist!
My whole identity you're sacrieiced!

[EVERYONE]
Why didn't you use a condom?!

[GRANDMA IDA]
Aaron...

(All in counterpoint)
[EVERYONE]
This isn't the girl for you!

[AARON'S FUTURE SON]
Not not for you!

[EVERYONE]
This isn't the girl for you!

[AARON'S FUTURE SON]
So true! So true!
Six thousand years of history
Are restin' on your head

[GRANDMA IDA]
If you married her
You'd kill me were I not already dead!

[CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER]
I won't have my grandkids raised on bagels,
Lox and cream cheese spread...

[GRANDMA IDA & CASEY'S]
Christian father now let's review:

[AARON'S FUTURE SON] She's not a jew!

[EVERYONE]
So this isn't the girl for you!

[GRANDMA IDA]
A shayna maydl but she doesn't spin the dreidel!

[EVERYONE]
So this isn't the girl for you! Hey!