The Harvard Variations

EMMETT
(spoken) Hello. I'm Emmett Forrest
Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law
Uh, let's go around and share a bit about yourselves.

AARON
(spoken) Aaron Sholtz.

(sung) I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes
I write financial software codes
But that's a challenge I've outgrown
How many yachts can one man own?

Some say that I'm a pompous creep
Somehow I don't lose that much sleep
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

STUDENTS
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard
What's up?
Yo!

SUNDY
(spoken) Sundy Pagrowell Pommadon, but you may call me "your majesty."

(sung) In my country
My word was law
But then I flee
Because of stupid "coup d'etat".

But here I learn
I make new friends
And soon return
In bullet-proof Mercedes Benz.

STUDENTS
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Har--

ENID
(spoken) ENID HUPES!

(sung) I did the peace corps overseas
Inoculating refugees
In family clinics that I built myself
From mud and trees.

I fought to clean up their lagoons
And save their rare endangered loons
And led a protest march against insensitive cartoons.

STUDENTS
Pretty impressive, good--

ENID
But now I'm on the legal track
Because this country's out of whack
And only women have the guts to go and take it back.

We'll make the government come clean
And get more people voting green
And really stick it to the phallocentric war machine.

ELLE
(spoken) I love your top! It is so fatigue chic!
Anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor Callahan and
Warner Huntington the Third?

EMMETT
(spoken) It's in Houser. Over there, second building on the left.

ELLE
(spoken) Thanks!

AARON
I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes
I write financial software codes
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

SUNDY
In my country
My word was law
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

ENID
I did the peace corps overseas
Inoculating refugees
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

STUDENTS
Harvard's the perfect place for--

ELLE
Warner!

STUDENTS
Ha-a-a-a-a

ELLE
(spoken) Scuse me!

STUDENTS
Ha-a-a-a-a

ELLE
(spoken) Pardon me!

STUDENTS
Ha-a-a-a-a

ELLE
(spoken) Comin' through!

STUDENTS
Harvard's the perfect place for me!
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard.

WARNER
(spoken) Elle?

ELLE
(spoken) Omigod, Warner? I totally forgot you go here!