The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

[BETELGEUSE, sung]
Hey, folks! Begging your pardon!
‘Scuse me! Sorry to barge in
But let’s skip the tears and start on the whole
Y’know
Being dead thing.

You’re doomed! Enjoy the singing
The sword of Damocles is swinging
And if I hear your cell-phone ringing
I’ll kill you myself
The whole being dead thing!

Death can get a person stressed
“We should have carpe’d way more diems
Now we’re never gonna see ‘em!"
I can show you what comes next
So don’t be freaked
Stay in your seats
I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week!
So just relax, you’ll be fine
Drink your fifty-dollar wine
And take a breath!

[ENSEMBLE]
Welcome to a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
You’re…
You’re gonna be fine…
On the other side…
Die! You’re all gonna die! You’re all gonna die!

I'll...
I’ll be your guide...
To the other side…

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh, and full disclosure: It’s a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
The women’s bathroom has no line here
Just...
Pee where you want!
The whole being dead thing!
You’re just gonna love the folks here
Yes, I know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here!
And every show I do, like, a Ton of coke here.

The whole-
[heavy sniffing]
Pah-hah!The whole being dead thing!

Nobody is bullet-proof!
“I work out, I eat clean!”
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth:
‘Cause we’re all on a hitlist
Might not live ‘till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits
Hey, that’s just statistics
So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
But there's a giant snake here!

[ENSEMBLE]
Welcome to a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
You’re…
You’re gonna be fine…
Thank you!
On the other side…
How you doin’?
Not good!
Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop!

I’ll…
I’ll be your guide!
To the other side!
Seriously, though, this is a show about.

[ENSEMBLE]
Death is taboo, but it’s hardly something new
There’s nothing medical professionals could do
'Cept maybe just bill you.

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
If you die while listening to this album
It's still gonna keep playing.

[ENSEMBLE]
There’s no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date, the universe kills you!

[BETELGEUSE]
That’s the thing with life:
No-one makes it out alive!
Toss that body in the pit
“Gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?”
“Blah, blah, Bible. Jesus magic.”
When you’re dead, who gives a shit?
No pilates, no more yoga!
“Namaste”, you freakin’ posers.

From the cradle to cremation
Death just needs a little conversation!
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae!)
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae!)

So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae!)
On the whole being dead thing!

[ALL]
God, I hope you’re ready for a show about death!