Who I Was

I just want to know what happened
And what do you think that will get you?
Sleeping through the night. Closing a chapter.

You know what I want even more?
Is to be just who I was before
Self assured
Future all secured
That was Julia
Quick to trust
Saw the world as just
That was Julia
Full of promise and full of poise
Hardly any of which this
Shopgirl now employs
But I muddle through
Easy smile
Avid cinephile
That was Julia
That was Julia
Before being branded a gold star wife
A distinction that's redefining
My whole life
Well, it feels like it does
I feel guilty because
There are days when I just want to be
Who I was.

I'm not saying I'd trade
The life that I had
With him for a minute
That was once in a lifetime love
And I know I was lucky to win it
And I'm told to be proud
All the news reels and magazines
Practically shout it
But I'm never allowed
To admit that there is nothing
Remotely heroic about it
And you know I would never be able
To say that away from this
Dining room table
Not a doubt how her life plays out
That was Julia
All of the details of who I am
Made irrelevant with one
Single telegram
That's what widowhood does
I resent it because
There are days when I just want to be
Momentarily free
And happily
Who I was.