Ya Got Trouble

Well, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster
Indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community
Well, ya got trouble, my friend
Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City
Why, sure, I'm a billiard player
Certainly mighty proud to say
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider that the hours I spend
With a cue in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye
J'ever take and try to give
An iron-clad leave to yourself
From a three-rail billiard shot?
But just as I say it takes judgment, brains, and maturity
To score in a balkline game
I say that any boob
Can take and shove a ball in a pocket
And I call that sloth
The first big step on the road
To the depths of degrada
I say, first
Medicinal wine from a teaspoon
Then beer from a bottle!
And the next thing ya know
Your son is playin' for money in a pinch back suit
And listenin' to some big outta town jasper
Hearin' him tell about horse-race gamblin'
Not a wholesome trottin' race, no
But a race where they set down right on the horse!
Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy
Settin' on Dan Patch? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say
Now, friends, lemme tell you what I mean
Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six
Pockets in a table
Pockets that mark the difference
Between a gentlemen and a bum
With a capital "B"
And that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool!
And all week long
Your River City youth'll be fritterin' away
I say your young men'll be fritterin'
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too
Get the ball in the pocket
Never mind gettin' dandelions pulled
Or the screen door patched, or the beefsteak pounded
Never mind pumpin' any water
Till your parents are caught
With the cistern empty
On a Saturday night
And that's trouble
Yes, you got lots and lots of trouble
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers
Shirt-tail young ones
Peekin' in the pool hall window after school
Ya got trouble!
Folks!
Right here in River City!
Trouble with a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for pool.

Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
I'm gonna be perfectly frank
Would ya like to know
What kinda conversation goes on
While they're loafin' around that Hall?
They'll be tryin' out Bevo
Tryin' out cubebs
Tryin' out tailor mades like cigarette fiends!
And braggin' all about
How they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen
One fine night
They leave the pool hall
Headin' for the dance at the Arm'ry
Libertine men and Scarlet women
And Rag-time, shameless music
That'll grab your son
Your daughter
With the arms of a jungle animal instinct
Mass-steria!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground!
Trouble!

Oh, we got trouble
Right here in River City!
Right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.

That stands for pool
We've surely got trouble!
We've surely got trouble!
Right here in River City
Right here!
Gotta figure out a way
To keep the young ones moral after school
Our children's children gonna have
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble.

Mothers of River City
Heed that warning before it's too late
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption
The moment your son leaves the house
Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers
Below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes
From Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like
Like 'swell'?"

Trouble
A-ha!
And 'so's your old man'?"
Trouble!
Well, if so my friends
Ya got trouble!

Oh, we got trouble
Right here in River City!
Right here in River City
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for Pool.

That stands for pool
We've surely got trouble!
We've surely got trouble!
Right here in River City
Right here!

Remember the Maine
Plymouth Rock
And the Golden Rule!
Our children's children gonna have
Trouble, trouble...

Oho, we got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil's tool.

Devil's tool
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
Oh yes
We've got trouble here
We've got big, big trouble.

With a "T"!
With a capital "T"
Gotta rhyme it with "P"
That rhymes with "P"
And it stands for Pool!
That stands for Pool!