Getting Ready

Only got one shot
Better get it right
I'm getting ready
Gotta look real hot
When it's Friday night
I'm getting ready!

I'm getting ready today
I'm getting ready to say
I'm not that weird geek you think I must be
I'm getting ready to move
I'm getting ready to prove
Kendra just needs a sex god like me
EVAN reappears, now in his bedroom
(to audience)
On Friday night, I'll be the hometown hero
Gotta cut my nails…
HE bites his nails to get them down
If this goes right, then I'll be free and clear
Gotta shave my beard
He furiously attempts to pluck the single, essentially invisible, hair growing from his chin.

And if it goes as planned
Patrice will understand
Some prices are worth paying when your dreams come true.

I'm getting ready for her!
I'm getting ready, yes, sir!
Ready for passion, delight and romance!

I'm getting ready to go!
I'm getting ready, and knowing
I may only get this one chance.

There, in the dark of the Appleton Cinema
Free from the public's prying eyes
There, with the girl in the chair beside me
I can reveal my Big Surprise!
There, while the rest of the crowd's immersed in
All of the blood vessels onscreen burstin'
Kendra will get to be the first in
Line to realize
Here comes the Tongue!
Here it comes, here it comes!
Here comes the Tongue!
Here it comes, here it comes!
Here comes the
Tolubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalung!
They ride off. KENDRA and LUCY are in Kendra's bedroom.

KENDRA
Okay, just go through this with me one more time.

(She sings)
If he does it and I let him…

LUCY
You're a slut.

KENDRA
Right.
And if he wants to, but I stop him…

LUCY
You're a tease.

KENDRA
God.
And if I let him and I like it…

LUCY
You're a skank.

KENDRA
Wow.

LUCY
But he could also get his tongue stuck down your throat,
Or try to kiss so hard, he chips one of your teeth,
Or there's a million other ways that it could all go wrong.
It doesn't matter if the urge to kiss him back is strong,
You've got to hold that boy at bay,
Step back from the edge and say:
“I'm a good girl, I don't do that.
I'm a nice girl, put that away.
I'm a good girl, keep your hands off.”
If you tell him that, then you'll be okay.

KENDRA
I think you're overreacting, Lucy. It's just a tongue.

LUCY
When you got that solo in choir, it's ‘cause I told you what
to sing.
When you got the lead in the fall school play, it's ‘cause I coached you all last spring.
When you got to be the head of the cheerleading squad, it's ‘cause I taught you everything.
Think of all the things I should have had you got instead
Because you did just what I said!

(threateningly)

“You're a good girl!”

KENDRA (obediently)
“I'm a good girl!”

LUCY
“You don't do that!”

KENDRA
But he's soooo cute.

LUCY
“You're a good girl!”

KENDRA
Listen, Lucy…

LUCY
Don't question me!

KENDRA
But I could be his girlfriend!

LUCY
You're a good girl!

KENDRA (with resignation)
“I'm a good girl…”

LUCY
You don't do that!

KENDRA (simultaneously with LUCY)
“I don't do that!”

EVAN enters, practicing his haftorah. Both bedrooms disappear, LUCY and KENDRA remain. We also see PATRICE getting ready. BRETT, MALCOLM and EDDIE reappear.

KENDRA & LUCY
I could be his girlfriend!EVANKoh-amar...LUCY
If I could get her out of the wayHa'El adoshem...KENDRA
But now I just don't know what to say!Boray HashamayimKENDRA, LUCY & PATRICE
I've got to get ready for him!
Venotayhem...

ARCHIE
I'm getting ready, it's true!
I'm getting ready to do
Something that makes her
Accept me at last
EVAN
I'm getting ready to do
Something that makes them
Accept me at last!

ARCHIE, EVAN, PATRICE, LUCY, KENDRA, MALCOLM & EDDIE
I'm getting ready, all right!
Nothing can stop me tonight!

BRETT
Tonibalbalubalubalubalubalubalubaluba!

ALL (except ARCHIE)
I'm getting ready!
Ready!
Ready!

ARCHIE appears, dressed to the nines in some over-the-top crazy outfit.

ARCHIE
Check me out!

ALL
Now!