I'm An Ordinary Man

Well after all, Pickering, I'm an ordinary man
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance
To live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim
Who likes to live his life, free of strife
Doing whatever he thinks is best, for him.

Well... Just an ordinary man...
BUT, Let a woman in your life and your serenity is through
She'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome
And then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you.

Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall
Make a plan and you will find
That she has something else in mind
And so rather than do either you do something else
That neither likes at all You want to talk of Keats and Milton
She only wants to talk of love.

You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching
For her glove, Let a woman in your life
And you invite eternal strife
Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands.

I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
Than to ever let a woman in my life, I'm a very gentle man
Even tempered and good natured
Who you never hear complain
Who has the milk of human kindness
By the quart in every vein
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips
The sort who never could, ever would
Let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man...

But, Let a woman in your life
And patience hasn't got a chance
She will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise
And she will listen very nicely, and then go out
And do exactly what she wants!

You are a man of grace and polish
Who never spoke above a hush
All at once you're using language that would make
A sailor blush, Let a woman in your life
And you're plunging in a knife.

Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
Than to ever let a woman in my life I'm a quiet living man
Who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room
Who likes an atmosphere as restful as
An undiscovered tomb.

A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys
Who likes to meditate, contemplate
Far for humanities mad inhuman noise
Quiet living man....
But, let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through.

In a line that never ends comes an army of her friends
Come to jabber and to chatter
And to tell her what the matter is with you
She'll have a booming boisterous family
Who will descend on you en mass
She'll have a large wagnarian mother
With a voice that shatters glass
Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life I shall never let a woman in my life.