Miracle Of Judaism

JASON
Dot Nardoni, Tiffany Axelrod
Zoe Feinstein, Angelina Dellibovi
Bunny Doyne, or what's her name
Mo Cristofaro
And Ellie Mazie Rosenthal's really well built
When Heather Levin stares at me
Why do I wilt?
I like when Julie Johnson
Does splits in her kilt.

Of these girls
Which should I invite to my bar mitzvah?
I've a problem to flaunt:
I don't want the girls I should want.

[His family cheers him on at the baseball game.]

COMMENTATOR
Batter up!

JASON
I want girls for whom I lust
Girls who wear a lot of makeup
Girls who smoke and show their bust
Girls with whom I always wake up—

COMMENTATOR
Strike one!

JASON
Would they come though
If they were invited?
And not laugh at my Hebrew
And not laugh at my father and his friends?

COMMENTATOR
Strike two!

JASON
Excluding them, I find exciting
And I'm left with them, I'll be inviting
Selecting girls for one's bar mitzvah
God, that's the miracle of Judaism.

COMMENTATOR
Strike three, you're out!

JASON
That'd be the miracle of Judaism.