Opening Ceremony

I've a duty as the referee
At the start of the match
On behalf of all our sponsors
I must welcome you
Which I do there's a catch.

I don't care if you're a champion
No one messes with me
I am ruthless in upholding
What I know is right
Black or white as you'll see.

I'm on the case
Can't be fooled
Any objection
Is overruled
Yes I'm the Arbiter and I know best
He's impartial, don't push him, he's unimpressed.

You got your tricks
Good for you
But there's no gambit I don't see through
Oh I'm the Arbiter I know the score
From square one he'll be watching all 64.

If you're thinking of the kind of thing
That we've seen in the past
Chanting gurus, walkie-talkies
Walkouts, hypnotists
Tempers, fists not so fast.

This is not the start of World War Three
No political ploys
I think both your constitutions are terrific so
Now you know be good boys.

I'm on the case
Can't be fooled
Any objection
Is overruled
Yes I'm the Arbiter and I know best
He's impartial, don't push him, he's unimpressed.

You got your tricks
Good for you
But there's no gambit I don't see through
Oh I'm the Arbiter I know the score
From square one he'll be watching all 64
Yes I'm the Arbiter I know the score
From square one he's watching all 64.

No one can deny that these are difficult times...

It's the U.S. versus U.S.S.R.
Yet we more or less are.

No one can deny that these are difficult times...

To our credit putting all that aside
We have swallowed our pride.

These are dangerous and difficult times...

It really doesn't matter who comes out on top, who gets the chop
No one's way of life is threatened by a flop
But we're gonna smash their bastard
Make him wanna change his name
Take him to the cleaners and devastate him
Wipe him out, humiliate him.

We don't want the whole world saying
They can't even win a game
We have never reckoned
On coming second
There's no use in losing.

It's the U.S. versus U.S.S.R.
Yet we more or less are.

No one can deny that these are difficult times.

To our credit putting all that aside
We have swallowed our pride.

These are very difficult and dangerous times...

The value of events like this need not be stressed
When East and West
Can meet as comrades, ease the tension over drinks
Through sporting links
As long as their man sinks.

Whether you are pro or anti
Or could not care less
We are here to tell you
We are here to sell you chess
Not a chance of you escaping from our wiles
We've locked the doors, we've blocked the aisles
We've a franchise worth exploiting
And we will -- yes we will!
When it comes to merchandising
We could kill.

When you get up
When you get up in the morning
Till you crash at night
You will have to live your life
With bishop, rook and knight
Clean your teeth with chequered toothpaste
Wear our vests
Our kings and queens on bouncing breasts
You could even buy a set
And learn to play
We don't mind we'll sell you something
Anyway.

We've done all our market research
And our findings show
That this game of chess could be around
A month or so
Maybe it's a bit confusing
For a game
But Rubik's Cubes were much the same
In the end the whole world bought one
All were gone
By which time we merchandisers
Had moved on.

By which time we had moved on!

I'm on the case, can't be fooled
Any objection is overruled
Don't try to tempt me you've no hope
I don't like women, I don't take dope
I'm the Arbiter I know the score.

From square one he'll be watching all 64.

You got your tricks -- good for you
But there is no gambit I don't see through
I'm the Arbiter and I know best.

He's impartial don't push him he's unimpressed.

I'm the Arbiter my word is law.

From square one he'll be watching you...

Don't you find it rather touching to behold
The game that came in from the cold
Seen for what it is -- religion plus finesse
Countries, classes, creeds, as one in
Love of chess.