Screech In

Now there's a solemn, old tradition
For admission - or audition to
Transition from a come from away.

To be a Newfoundlander
The only other way at any rate
Is pass away and pray to fate and
Wait to reincarnate.

As a Newfoundlander
Hey hey come on inside
Nothing ventured nothing tried
Only a couple people cried
You'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey hey sit down right here
You'll feel better in a year
Try to ignore your doubts and fears
And you'll be a Newfoundlander
Now we needs a couple volunteers who wants to become a Newfoundlander?

Right here!
Good man! Who else?
I have no idea why I put up my hand. And Kevin's like
Ohmygod are you serious?
Ohmygod you are serious
Yes I'm serious. Don't do it if you don't want to
I won't.

Where you from, buddy?
Los Angeles
LA! Who else?
Us!
We want to be Newfoundlanders!
Alright. Where are you folks from?
Texas and
Texas! (to Nick) What part of Texas are you from, buddy?
No, I'm from
No, I'M from Texas. He's from England
Wait. Now how does that work?
How does what work?

Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?
No we're not married
Oh, I'm sorry I just assumed you were married... Well, would you like to be?
Ah
Well, why not?!
Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking.

I've never had more than one beer at a time before, so it was probably the alcohol talking
I went and got her two more beers
Now the first part is the easiest
We'll soon get to the queasiest
I'll need you to repeat this mess.

When you become a Newfoundlander
'Cause we speaks a different
Language, son
We adds some esses and some rum
You'll have to try a good cod tongue
When you become a Newfoundlander
Hey hey just do your best
Nothing scary nothing yet.

You'll have to change the way you're dressed
And you'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey hey just sing along
Nothing ventured just prolonged
There's thirty verses in this song
Then you'll be a Newfoundlander.

Ladies and Gentlemen. This is screech! Back in World War 2, an officer was stationed here and was offered some of this stuff
All the locals were tossing it back with nar' a quiver, so he does too
And lets out an ear piercing.

(all the locals howl)

Everybody comes to see what's happening and says
"What was that ungodly screech?!"
And now it's your turn. Are you ready?
Um... I'm not sure that.

Wait did you just say
No. Nope. Not really ready
Do we have to drink this?
Good! All together now. One!
One!
Two!
Two!
Three!
Three!

Down the hatch!
Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum
Screech is horrific
Screech is delishush!
And then they brought the Cod
The Cod
The Cod
The Cod.

Now with every transformation
Comes a tiny bit of risk
You've got to walk the plank
And there'll be blood
Or there'll be bliss
And it's the same to be a
Newfoundlander
Every person's wish
So don't be dumb
Just take the plunge
Go on kiss the fish!
(continued underneath]
I'm an islander I am an islander
I'm an islander I am an islander.

Ladies and gentlemen this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland Cod and if you want to become an honorary Newfoundlander, you'll have to give her a smooch!

One!

If you kiss that I am never kissing you again!
I'll risk it!
Two!
I'm not kissing a fish!
Come on, I will if you will!
Oh my god. Fine
Three!
I can't do it!
What? I just did!
Now you've got to kiss the cod it's a vital part of the ceremony.

I can't do it!
Alright look. I'll make you a deal. Either you kiss this fish or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to.

Hey hey come on tonight
Take a risk and take a ride
Jump right in with both feet tied
And you'll be a Newfoundlander.

Hey hey come on once more
Nothing ventured nothing sore
After it's over, out the door
And you'll be a Newfoundlander
After it's over you'll remember
That you're a Newfoundlander.