Screech Out

[Claude]
Now there's a solemn, old tradition
For admission - or audition - to
Transition from a come from away

[All]
To be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
The only other way at any rate
Is pass away and pray to fate and
Wait to reincarnate

[All]
As a Newfoundlander

Hey hey - come on inside
Nothing ventured nothing tried

[Woman]
Only a couple people cried

[All]
You'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey hey - sit down right here
You'll feel better in a year

[Man]
Try to ignore your doubts and fears

[All]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude, spoken]
Now we needs a couple volunteers - who wants to become a Newfoundlander?

[Bob, spoken]
Right here!

[Claude, spoken]
Good man! Who else?

[Kevin T, spoken]
I have no idea why I put up my hand. And Kevin's like

[Kevin J, spoken]
Ohmygod are you serious?
Ohmygod - you are serious

[Kevin T, spoken]
Yes - I'm serious. Don't do it if you don't want to

[Kevin J, spoken]
I won't

[Claude, spoken]
Where you from, buddy?

[Kevin T, spoken]
Los Angeles

[Claude, spoken]
LA! Who else?

[Diane, spoken]
Us!
We want to be Newfoundlanders!

[Claude, spoken]
Alright. Where are you folks from?

[Diane, spoken]
Texas and -

[Claude, spoken]
Texas! (to Nick) What part of Texas are you from, buddy?

[Nick, spoken]
No, I'm from -

[Diane, spoken]
No, I'M from Texas. He's from England

[Claude, spoken]
Wait. Now how does that work?

[Nick, spoken]
How does what work?

[Claude, spoken]
Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?

[Diane & Nick, spoken]
No - we're not married

[Claude, spoken]
Oh, I'm sorry - I just assumed you were married... Well, would you like to be?

[Nick, spoken]
Ah -

[Diane, spoken]
Well, why not?!

[Nick, spoken]
Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking

[Diane, spoken]
I've never had more than one beer at a time before, so it was probably the alcohol talking

[Nick, spoken]
I went and got her two more beers

[Claude]
Now the first part is the easiest
We'll soon get to the queasiest
I'll need you to repeat this mess

[All]
When you become a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
'Cause we speaks a different
Language, son
We adds some esses and some rum
You'll have to try a good cod tongue

[All]
When you become a Newfoundlander

Hey hey - just do your best
Nothing scary - nothing yet

[Woman]
You'll have to change the way you're dressed

[All]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey hey - just sing along
Nothing ventured just prolonged

[Claude]
There's thirty verses in this song

[All]
Then you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude, spoken]
Ladies and Gentlemen. This is screech! Back in World War 2, an officer was stationed here and was offered some of this stuff
All the locals were tossing it back with nar' a quiver, so he does too
And lets out an ear piercing

(all the locals howl)

Everybody comes to see what's happening and says

[All except Screechees, spoken]
"What was that ungodly screech?!"

[Claude, spoken]
And now it's your turn. Are you ready?

[Nick, spoken]
Um... I'm not sure that -

[Diane, spoken]
Wait - did you just say -

[Bob, spoken]
No. Nope. Not really ready

[Kevin T, spoken]
Do we have to drink this?

[Claude, spoken]
Good! All together now. One!

[All except Screechees, spoken]
ONE!

[Claude, spoken]
Two!

[All except Screechees, spoken]
TWO!

[Claude, spoken]
Three!

[All except Screechees, spoken]
THREE!

[Claude, spoken]
Down the hatch!

[Kevin T, spoken]
Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum

[Nick, spoken]
Screech is horrific

[Diane, spoken]
Screech is delishush!

[Bob, spoken]
And then they brought the Cod

[Kevin T, spoken]
The Cod

[Nick, spoken]
The Cod

[Diane, spoken]
The Cod

[Claude]
Now with every transformation
Comes a tiny bit of risk
You've got to walk the plank
And there'll be blood
Or there'll be bliss
And it's the same to be a
Newfoundlander
Every person's wish
So don't be dumb
Just take the plunge
Go on - kiss the fish!

[Newfoundlanders]
(continued underneath]
I'm an islander - I am an islander
I'm an islander - I am an islander...

[Claude, spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen - this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland Cod - and if you want to become an honorary Newfoundlander, you'll have to give her a smooch!

One!

[Kevin J, spoken]
If you kiss that I am never kissing you again!

[Kevin T, spoken]
I'll risk it!

[Claude, spoken]
Two!

[Nick, spoken]
I'm not kissing a fish!

[Diane, spoken]
Come on, I will if you will!

[Nick, spoken]
Oh my god. Fine

[Claude, spoken]
Three!

[Diane, spoken]
I can't do it!

[Nick, spoken]
What? I just did!

[Claude, spoken]
Now you've got to kiss the cod - it's a vital part of the ceremony

[Diane, spoken]
I can't do it!

[Claude, spoken]
Alright - look. I'll make you a deal. Either you kiss this fish - or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to

[All]
Hey hey - come on tonight
Take a risk and take a ride
Jump right in with both feet tied
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey hey - come on once more
Nothing ventured nothing sore
After it's over, out the door
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
After it's over you'll remember

[All]
That you're a Newfoundlander