Simple

Grass is green
Sky is blue
False is false and
True is true
Who is who?
You are you
I'm me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
Simple as one-two-three!
But who on that line is what?

One is one
Two is two
Who is what and
Which is who?
No one's always what they seem to be.

That's certainly true
For example you sir, with the manly good looks
Would you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood?
I thought you were Hapgood.

Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immediately
we have an instant transference and thereby save five years of psychoanalysis
Now that is brilliant! Now what happens if I call you Hoover Hooper?
Shall we dance? No, we have. Now then, Mr. Hapgood
Call me Happy, sir. Or George.

All right, Georgie
Thank you, George
Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy - you were a boy?
I was a manly little fellow, sir
Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life. A motto, a watchcry...

A watchcry... yes, sir
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul."

Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?
Yes, sir
Two children?
Yes, sir
Two TV sets?
Yes, sir
Two martinis?
Yes, sir
Bank on Friday?
Yes, sir
Golf on Saturday?
Yes, sir
Church on Sunday?
Yes, sir
Do you vote?

Yes, sir
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who
All right. Headaches?
No, sir
Backaches?
No, sir
Heartaches?
No, sir
Thank, you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please
What's Group A?
Obviously mad as a hatter

Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest
Just a moment here
George do you ever wonder whether you're real?
Oh, no, sir. I know I'm not
Group One. Over there, please.

Grass is green
Sky is blue
Safe is sane and
Tired is true
You be you and me to some degree
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.

Well, is he safe or sane, Doctor?
Safe is sane.

Not always
The opposite of safe is out
The opposite of out is in
So anyone who's safe is "in".
That I've always been!

The opposite of safe is out
The opposite of out is in
So anyone who's safe is "in".

That's how groups begin!
When you're in, you win!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as do you do like me?
Well, I do indeed like you
The question is
The question is jus a moment there

"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul"
But my name isn't George, Doctor.

What is it?
Hapgood
Very good
Group A
Right here, please.

What is it?
I don't know, but it's brilliant
But which which just which group is what?

It's very simple
Grass is green
Sky is blue
A is one group
One is too
One is One or One is A, you see...

Grass is green
Sky is blue
One is one and
A is too.
...
No. A is One and
One is, too.
...

No. One and One
Is always two
To me!
...
I don't agree!
A is you and
Me!

...
No. One is green.
A is blue.
One can be
In A, you see.
A is crazy!
Maybe.

...
...
No. A is green,
One is blue!
A is "out" and
One is "in"!
I agree.

...
...
...
No. One is One.
A is one group.
Too.
See?

(Very loud)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Woman's place is in the home

A woman's place is in the house
And home is where you hang your hat
And that is where you hang your spouse
A woman's place is in the home...
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood
Oh, we're not married, Doctor
He's June and I'm John
I mean she's John and he's June
June and John are engaged
John's my secretary
June used to be my secretary but his corporation went bust
And her syndicate took over
Well, it would all be in the family if you got married
Oh, but John can't support June
Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners
Why doesn't June gives John a raise?
He's not worth it
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping because -
Because...

A woman's place is in the home
A woman's place is on the shelf
And home is where he hangs her hat
And that is where she hangs himself.

Group
A
Magruder! One.

"A woman's place is in the home
a woman's place is in the house"
"I'm the master of my fate
and the captain of my soul"
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again"
"Beauty is only skin deep"
You can't make a silk purse out on a sow's ear"
"Fly now, pay later"
Never look a gift horse in the mouth"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies"
"Handsome is as handsome does"
"You always hurt the one you love"
"Seeing is believing."

Stop the music! A man crossed over
That was a woman
Oh
Group One. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now wait. Are they all Cookies?
If you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course-
Ah- good lad, Hapgood
Watchcry?

You can't judge a book by its cover
No, you can't judge a book by its cover
You can't judge a book
By how literate it look
No, You can't judge a book by its cubber.

Occupation?
Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants
Isn't that line of work getting rather easy?
Not for me. I'm Jewish ... Group A, would you say?
Group one's more fun
Crazy
Group A?
Group one?
It's maddening
What's the difference between them?

It's obvious
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
So anything that's dark is dumb.

But they sure can hum
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
So anything that's dark is dumb
That's the rule of thumb
Depends where you're from
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as NAACP!

I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood
Oh, shut up and get in Group A
Who's that?
It's my brother-in-law
But he's not a Pilgrim... And he's not a Cookie... Hapgood, what was he doing on the line?

Who is what?
Which is who?
That is that and
How are you?
I feel fine, what else is new?

Oh... Every fool wants a miracle
Hapgood-
Who is on the line...?
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to do!

You are right! Now look here
Hapgood... Darling-

Grass is green
Sky is blue
I'd join any group with you
Schub's a boob and you belong to me!
Simple? Simple?
Simple as one-two-three
One-two-three...
Doctor, what group am I in? Where do I belong?
Where am I? Tell me where am I! Where am I?
Doctor Group A: Cookies? Or group one: Cookies?
The truth now - which - is - what?
Watchcry!

"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"If at first you don't succeed-"
Rub your stomachs! Goo-ood... Goo-ood...
Watchcry!
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin-"

Put your heads, Hello! Hello! Goo-ood... Hello! Hello!
Reverse! Goo-ood...Hello! Hello! That's goo-ood...
Goo-ood... Goo-ood... Comptroller

Dammit!
I adore games!
Watchcry!
Hello!
He's boring from within
Watchcry!
Communist!

You would say that
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone who's left is wrong, right?

Goo...ood... Goo...ood...
Hello!
Hello!

Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC
Simple as one-two-three-

Cheers for the red, white and blue...
Watchcry!
Look here I'm the chief of
Watchcry!

"Ours not to reason why
Ours but to do or die"
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!

Occupation?
Fighting the enemy.
What enemy?
What year?
Yesterday.
The Germans: Heil!
The day before
The Germans: Heil!
Today

The Germans: Hail!
Tomorrow
Hail! Heil! Hail?... Heil?... Hail?
Group A.
Heil?
Group One.
You're just making him seem crazy, but he's twisted.
I mean - he's been twisted.

Grass is blue
Sky is green
Change of time is change of scene
What you meant is what you mean
Watchcry!

Hallelujah!
No, I mean now, Brother
Occupation
Preacher er, I mean, Treasurer
Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood
No, I'm a treasurer, Cooley
They threw you out of your pulpit
Yea... Brother!
Because you were crazy
No, because I believed!

In being treasurer?
In God, and they only believed in religion
And that made you crazy, Hapgood
I am not crazy, Cooley!
No, you're crazy. Hapgood.

I am not Cooley, I mean
No, I am not crazy, I'm Hapgood!
Are you sure?
I am absolutely Schub!
He's crazy
Thank you
Group A. Watchcry!
Watchcry!

I am the master of my fate and"
A woman's place is in the"
Beauty is only skin deep"
Never look a gift horse in the"
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no"
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of"
Seeing is believing. Seeing is believing!"
You can fool some of the people-"
An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor-"
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die"

I don't have one, Cooley!
Aha...

Hapgood, we are going to end this right now
My dear Treasurer, I mean, my dear Doctor dammit!
Now. Right now: which group is.

Two questions
One answer
Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what
Where does most of your money go?
I hardly think
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?

In taxes
Goo..ood... What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it?
He's crazy.
Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!
Most of your money goes to the government in taxes
What does the government do with most of the money?
Makes bombs. Reverse!
Goo..ood... Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!

But you say to make a product and not use it is crazy
Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley?
And that doesn't make you crazy for letting them waste your money
Treasurer Schub? Reverse! But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product
Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood
Including you, Schub
Both together now! Which means you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed Which means, my dear Doctor Comptroller Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all!

Watchcry!
Help!
Watchcry!
Brilliant!
Watchcry!

Grass is green
Sky is blue
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone who's left is wrong
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-three
Simple as one-two-C
As grass is green
As sky is blue
As simple as the opposite of left is right
Is wrong is right is A is One
Is A is One hello! Hello! Goo-od! Goo-od!
A is One! One is A!
Grass is who is opposite of what is green is safe is
Opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is
Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry!
One is One! Two is too!
Who is what and which is who?
Who is what? Which is who?
Which is who is who?
Who is who?
You are all mad.