The Lady's Paying

[Norma]
Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way
This is a surprise celebration
I hope you've remembered everything i've said
I want to see a total transformation

[Joe]
What's all this?

[Norma]
Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we'd forgotten?

[Joe]
Well, i ... I don't know.

[Norma]
These people are from the best men's shop in town. I had them close it down for the day.

[Joe]
[Norma], now listen!

[Norma]
I'll leave you boys to it.

[Manfred]
Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!

[Joe]
What's going on?

[Manfred]
Help yourself, it's all been taken care of
Anyone who's anyone is dressed by me

[Joe]
Well, golly gee

[Manfred]
Pick out anything you'd like a pair of
You just point, i'll do the rest
I've brought nothing but the best
You're a very lucky writer
Come along now, get undressed
Unless i'm much mistaken
That's a 42-inch chest

[Joe]
I don't understand a word you're saying

[Manfred]
Well, all you need to know's the lady's paying
It's nice to get your just reward this time of year

[Joe]
Get outta here!

[Manfred]
And all my merchandise is strictly kosher
When you've thrown away all your old worn-out stuff

[Joe]
Hey, that's enough

[Manfred]
Perhaps you'd like to model for my brochure
I have just the thing for you
Chalk-stripe suits

[Salesman 1]
In black

[Salesman 2]
Or blue

[Salesman 3]
Glen plaid trousers

[Salesman 4]
Cashmere sweaters

[Salesman 5]
Bathing shorts for malibu

[Salesman 6]
Here's a patent leather lace-up

[Salesman 7]
It's a virtuoso shoe

[Manfred]
And a simply marvelous coat made of vicuna

[Joe]
You know what you can do with your vicuna

[Norma]
Come on [Joe], you haven't even started yet

[Joe]
You wanna bet?

[Norma]
I thought by now he'd look the height of fashion
He always takes forever making up his mind
Don't be unkind
I thought you writers knew about compassion

I love flannel on a man

[Manfred]
This will complement his tan

[Norma]
We'll take two of these and four of those

[Manfred]
I'm still your greatest fan!
Very soon now we'll have stopped him
Looking like an also-ran

[Joe]
You're going to make me sorry that i'm staying

[Norma]
Well, all right, i'll choose, after all, i'm paying!

[Manfred]
Evening clothes?

[Norma]
I want to see your most deluxe

[Joe]
Won't wear a tux

[Norma]
Of course not, dear, tuxedos are for waiters

[Manfred]
What we need are tails, a white tie and top hat

[Joe]
I can't wear that

[Norma]
[Joe], second-rate clothes are for second-raters

[Joe]
[Norma], please...

[Norma]
Shut up, i'm rich
Now some platinum blonde bitch
I own so many apartments
I've forgotten which is which

[Joe]
I don't have to go to premieres
I'm never on display
You seem to forget that i'm a writer
Who cares what you wear when you're a writer?

[Norma]
I care, [Joe], and please don't be so mean to me.

[Joe]
O.k., all right.

[Norma]
You can't come to my new year's eve party in that filling-station shirt.

[Joe]
I've been invited somewhere else on new year's eve.

[Norma]
Where?

[Joe]
Artie green. He's an old friend of mine.

[Norma]
I can't do without you, [Joe], i need you.
I've sent out every single invitation

[Joe]
All right, [Norma], i give in

[Norma]
Of course you do
And when they've dressed you
You'll cause a sensation

[Salesmen]
We equip the chosen few of movieland

[Manfred]
(the latest cut)

[Salesmen]
We dress every movie star and crooner
From their shiny toecaps to their hatband

[Manfred]
(conceal your gut)
You won't regret selecting the vicuna

[Salesmen]
If you need a hand to shake
If there's a girl you want to make
If there's a soul you're out to capture
Or a heart you want to break
If you want the world to love you

[Manfred]
You'll have to learn to take

[Salesmen]
And gracefully accept the role you're playing

[Manfred]
You will earn every cent the lady's paying

[Salesmen]
So why not have it all?

[Manfred]
Now that didn't hurt, did it?

[Salesmen]
The lady's paying!