There! Right There!

ELLE
There! Right! There!
Look at that tan, well-tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at his slightly stubbly chin
Oh please he's gay
Totally gay!

CALLAHAN
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay
I say not gay.

DEFENSE TEAM (minus ELLE)
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically radically fey?

EMMETT
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks!

ELLE
Look at his silk translucent socks!

CALLAHAN
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seein'!

VIVIENNE
What are we seein'?

CALLAHAN
Is he gay...

ELLE
Of course he's gay!

CALLAHAN
Or european?

DEFENSE TEAM
Ohhhhhhhh...

(minus ELLE)
Gay or european?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or european?

WARNER
Well hey, don't look at me!

VIVIENNE
You see they bring their boys up diff'rent In those charming foreign ports They play peculiar sports

DEFENSE TEAM
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks!
They both say things like "Ciao, Bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks!

ELLE
Oh please.

DEFENSE TEAM
Gay or european?
So many shades of gray!

WARNER
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way

DEFENSE TEAM (minus ELLE)
Is he gay or european,
Or...

ENID
There! Right! There!
Look at that condescending smirk!
Seen it on every guy at work!
That is a metro het'ro jerk
This guy's not gay
I say no way!

ALL
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume

VIVIENNE
Is automatically radically...

CALLAHAN
Ironically chronically...

ENID
Certainly flirtin'ly...

WARNER
Genetically medically...

ALL
Gay! Officially gay!
Swishily gay gay gay gay...
DAMMIT!!
Gay or european?

CALLAHAN
So stylish and relaxed!

ALL
Is he gay or european?

CALLAHAN
I think his chest is waxed.

VIVIENNE
But they bring their boys up different there It's cultur'lly diverse It's not a fashion curse

ALL
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse!

(minus ELLE)
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code!

BROOKE
Yeah his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy-toed

ALL
Huh.
Gay or european?

(minus ELLE)
So many shades of gray!

JUDGE
But if he turns out straight,
I'm free at eight on Saturday!

ALL
Is he gay or european?
Gay or european?
Gay or euro-

EMMETT
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I've an idea I'd like to try.

CALLAHAN
The floor is yours.

EMMETT
So Mr. Argitakos, this alleged affair with Mrs. Wyndham has been going on for...?

NIKOS
Two years.

EMMETT
And your first name again is?

NIKOS
Nikos.

EMMETT
And your boyfriend's name is?

NIKOS
Carlos.
(all gasp)
Sorry! I misunderstand! You say "boyfriend", I thought you say "best friend". Carlos is my best friend.

CARLOS
You bastard! You lying bastard! That is it! I no cover for you NO MORE! Peoples! I have big announsament!
This man is gay AND european!

ALL
Whoa!

CARLOS
And neither is disgrace!

ALL
Oh!

CARLOS
You gotta stop your bein'
A completely closet case!

ALL
D'oh!

CARLOS
It's me, not her, he's seein',
No matter what he say!
I swear he never ever ever
Swing the other way.
You are so gay,
You big parfait,
You flaming one-man cabaret!

NIKOS
I'm straight!

CARLOS
You were not yesterday...
So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay!

ALL
And european!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And european!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And european and gay!

NIKOS
Fine, okay, I'm gay!

ALL
HOORAY!