There's A Life Outside Your Apartment (First Draft)

[Brian:]
Princeton!

[Princeton:]
Yeah

[Brian:]
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks
What's up with that?

[Princeton:]
I went to work for a temp agency, and they
Fired me for being too depressing on the phone
I maxed out my cards, I'm two months behind
In rent, I totally messed up my personal life
Oh, and Brian—I still haven't found my purpose!

[Brian:]
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying!
Everyone's getting together to mess around the city today

[Princeton:]
Have fun!

[Brian:]
When I say everyone, that includes you!
There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive
But there's life outside your apartment
And you're only gonna see it if you leave
There is cool shit to do
But it can't come to you
And who knows, dude
You might even score!
There is life outside your apartment
But you've got to open the door!

[Princeton:]
No, thanks, I'm staying in!

[Brian:]
Don't tell me I gotta force you

[Princeton:]
Sorry!

[Brian:]
All right, everyone! He's resisting!

[Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton up and drag him outside]

[All but Princeton:]
There is life outside
There is life outside
There is life outside
There is life outside your apartment!
There's a pigeon
Squashed on the street

[Christmas Eve:]
Ew

[Brian:]
There's a girl passing by

[Nicky:]
No I think it's a guy

[All but Princeton:]
And a homeless man
Who only wants to
Buy something to eat!
Sorry, can't help you

[They enter the subway]

We could go to the zoo!

[Trekkie Monster:]
Pick up girls at NYU!

[Brian:]
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

[Christmas Eve:]
Or not

[All but Princeton:]
There is life outside your apartment

[Princeton:]
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot

[Sound of gunshot. Everyone screams and runs.]

[All:]
There is life outside your apartment
I know—

[Sound of loud jackhammer. They cover their ears and swear.]

There is life outside your apartment

[They look up in horror.]

[Voice #1:]
I'm gonna jump!

[All:]
Don't do it!

[Voice #1:]
Okay

[All:]
There is cool shit to do
But it can't come to you
So come on—

[Car screeches to a halt.]

[Voice #2:]
Get out of the way asshole!

[Princeton:]
Fuck you!

[All:]
There is life outside your apartment
Oh, you never know
What's around the bend
You could win the lotto
Or make a friend

[Lucy enters. The guys eye her and turn to Princeton.]

[Guys:]
Take her home to see your apartment!

[Lucy:]
Do you wanna feel special?
I can see that you do
Well, I can make you feel
Special
If you let me feel you

[Guys:]
She'll feel you!

[Lucy:]
Where's your pad?

[Princeton:]
Not too far

[Guys:]
We could call you a car

[Princeton:]
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

[Christmas Eve:]
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

[All:]
There is life outside your apartment

[Princeton/Lucy:]
But now it's time to go home

[All:]
There is life outside your apartment

[Trekkie Monster:]
Me going home now

[Princeton/Lucy:]
It's time to go home!

[Trekkie Monster:]
That's where me gonna go!

[Lucy:]
I can make you feel special

[Trekkie Monster:]
That's where me gonna go!

[All:]
There is life outside your apartment

[Trekkie Monster:]
Me going home now
That's where me gonna go!

[Princeton/Lucy:]
But now it's time to go home

[Trekkie Monster:]
For porn!