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If You Were Gay

- Jeff Marx (1999)

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Lyrics

[ROD:]
Aah, an afternoon alone with
My favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me
How could it get any better than this?

[NICKY:]
Oh, hi Rod!

[ROD:]
Hi Nicky

[NICKY:]
Hey Rod, you'll never
Guess what happened to
Me on the subway this morning
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

[ROD:]
That's very interesting

[NICKY:]
He was being real friendly
And I think he was coming on to me
I think he might've thought I was gay!

[ROD:]
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care
What did you have for lunch today?

[NICKY:]
Oh, you don't have to get
All defensive about it, Rod

[ROD:]
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read

[NICKY:]
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about

[ROD:]
I don't want to talk about it
Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

[NICKY:]
Yeah, but

[ROD:]
OVER!!!

[NICKY:]
Well, okay, but just so you know—
If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean 'cause, hey
I'd like you anyway
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free
To say that I was gay
(But I'm not gay.)

[ROD:]
Nicky, please!
I am trying to read
What?!

[NICKY:]
If you were queer

[ROD:]
Ah, Nicky!

[NICKY:]
I'd still be here

[ROD:]
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book

[NICKY:]
Year after year

[ROD:]
Nicky!

[NICKY:]
Because you're dear
To me

[ROD:]
Argh!

[NICKY:]
And I know that you

[ROD:]
What?

[NICKY:]
Would accept me too

[ROD:]
I would?

[NICKY:]
If i told you today
"Hey! Guess what
I'm gay!"
(But I'm not gay.)
I'm happy
Just being with you

[ROD:]
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey

[NICKY:]
So what should it
Matter to me
What you do in bed
With guys?

[ROD:]
Nicky, that's GROSS!

[NICKY:]
No it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!

[ROD:]
I am not listening!

[NICKY:]
And here I'd stay

[ROD:]
La la la la la!

[NICKY:]
But I wouldn't get
In your way

[ROD:]
Aaaah!

[NICKY:]
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day
To tell you it's okay
You were just born
That way
And, as they say
It's in your DNA
You're gay!

[ROD:]
But I'm not gay

[NICKY:]
If you were gay

[ROD:]
Argh!