If You Were Gay

Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book
'Broadway Musicals of the 1940s'
No roommate to bother me
How could it get any better than this?

Oh, "Hi Rod", "Hi Nicky", hey Rod
You'll never guess what happened to me
On the subway this morning
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me.

That's very interesting
He was being real friendly
And I think he was coming on to me
I think he might've thought I was gay.

So, wa, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care? I don't care
What did you have for lunch today?

Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod
I'm not getting defensive
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about
Well, I don't want to talk about it Nicky!
This conversation is over! Yeah, but Rod, Over!

Well, okay, but just so you know?
If you were gay, that'd be okay I mean 'cause, hey
I'd like you anyway.

Because you see if it were me
I would feel free to say that I was gay
But I'm not gay, Nicky please, I am trying to read
What?

If you were queer, ah Nicky, I'd still be here
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book, year after year
Nicky, because you're dear to me, aah.

And I know that you, what? Would accept me too
I would? If I told you today, 'hey, guess what, I'm gay!'
But I'm not gay.

I'm happy just being with you, high button shoes, Pal Joey
So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?
Nicky, that is gross, no it's not.

If you were gay, I'd shout hooray I am not listening
And here I'd stay, la la la la la
But I wouldn't get in your way, aah.

You can count on me to always be beside you every day
To tell you it's okay, you were just born that way
And, as they say it's in your D.N.A, you're gay
I'm not gay, if you were gay, aah.