A Major Award

THE OLD MAN:
Look! Read it.

MOTHER:
Congratulations.
You have won a major award in our $50,000 Great Figures of American Literature contest!
It will arrive by special messenger tonight! Congratulations, you are a winner!

THE OLD MAN:
The time has come
The day is here
The truth is written
Clean and clear
I nearly started losing hope
But then, I opened up that envelope

Here's the proof I'm someone
I'm someone very wise
When you're this astute
You get saluted with a prize
"You are a winner"
Those are the glowing words they wrote
It's typed right in their note

MOTHER:
But a winner of what?

THE OLD MAN:
Don't you see?

It could be a bowling alley
Wouldn't that be nice?

MOTHER:
A bowling alley?

THE OLD MAN:
This award is major
They're not skimping due to price

A weekend getaway
Maybe Paris with your spouse
An adobe style house

MOTHER:
But how can they deliver a house?

THE OLD MAN:
Well, they could deliver a deed, for Christ's sake!

Oh, Mr. Parker
Who would believe
The grandeur of the gift that you're about to receive

I won a major award
I won a major award
Who won?
I won
It's me
I see
Well, gee
I won a major award

[knock]

Gasp. Oh my God, it's here.

NARRATOR:
Frank Parker?

THE OLD MAN:
Yeah.

NARRATOR:
Sign here. Okay, haul it in.

THE OLD MAN:
What is it?

NARRATOR:
Well.

THE OLD MAN:
What is it?

NARRATOR:
I don't know.

THE OLD MAN:
Crowbar. Get me a crowbar. And a hammer. Get me a hammer!

MOTHER:
Careful, dear. Look what it says on the side.

THE OLD MAN:
Frajeelay. Must be Italian. I won an Italian prize. Frajeelay!

MOTHER:
I think that says 'fragile', honey.

THE OLD MAN:
Fra-. Oh. Yeah.

NARRATOR:
Without a word,
The Old Man worked in super-charged haste and laide bare his hard-won symbol of victory.
At last, he reached down and held aloft his prize.

MOTHER:
What is it?

THE OLD MAN:
A leg!

MOTHER:
But, what is it?

THE OLD MAN:
Well, it's a... It's a leg! Like a statue.

MOTHER:
A statue?

THE OLD MAN:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute! There's something else in this box.

MOTHER:
What?

THE OLD MAN:
Holy smoke! Do you know what this is? It's a lamp!
This is exactly what we need for the front window.

NARRATOR:
The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone,
and The Lamp blazed forth in unparallelled glory.

THE OLD MAN:
Ohhhhh. Ain't that somethin'?

MOTHER:
It's somethin' all right.

THE OLD MAN:
I wanna see what it looks like from outside! [barking] Shut up, you stupid hounds.
I'm a MAW: Major Award Winner.

NARRATOR:
The Lamp, to my mother's consternation could be seen up and down Cleveland Street,
the symbol of The Old Man's victory. Eventually, the entire would be involved.

NEIGHBOR 1:
What on earth is that?

THE OLD MAN:
Is what?

NEIGHBOR 1:
That window, such a glow

THE OLD MAN:
Oh
It's a big time honor,
An award

NEIGHBOR 2:
I'd never know

THE OLD MAN:
To win you've gotta be
A real puzzle-solving champ

NEIGHBOR 1:
It looks just like a lamp

THE OLD MAN:
It is a lamp, you nincompoop!

NEIGHBOR 1:
Hey! Who are you calling a nincompoop?

THE OLD MAN:
Don't ya see?
That there's a statue
A fine work of art
The kind they only dole out
To the extra-super smart

Friends
It's a major award
I won a major award
Yes, it's a
Grand slam
Big fat
Wham bam
Take that
Award

Hey, did you see my award?
I won a major award

NEIGHBORS:
Who won?
He won
I see
It's he
Oh gee
He won a major award

MEN:
It's a trophy
He can cherish
What a beauty

WOMEN:
Oh, it's garish

THE OLD MAN:
It's astounding

MOTHER:
It's dramatic

WOMAN:
I would keep it
In the attic

MEN:
Like a David standing statuesque

WOMEN:
If the David also did burlesque

MEN:
He's a winner
That's for certain

MOTHER:
Maybe we could
Close the curtain?

WOMEN:
For a window slightly overboard

THE OLD MAN:
Don't you get it?
Ladies, it's a major award

WOMEN:
A major award?

THE OLD MAN:
A major award

WOMEN:
A major award?

MEN:
A major award

NEIGHBORS:
Frank Parker did it
How remarkably grand
Frank Parker did it
Now the world will understand

THE OLD MAN:
I'm the genius on Cleveland Street
A taste of victory so sweet
Now watch, ignite
This little light of mine
Let it shine

ALL:
Genius on Cleveland Street
How can that compete?

THE OLD MAN:
With a down stage
Big brass
Front page
First class
Clear cut
Red hot
Look what
I got
Award
Award!

ALL:
He won a major award
(Won amazing award
For being so bright)
He won a major award
(Get released like a star
It lights up the night)

Yes, it's a true scholastic

THE OLD MAN:
Careful, it's plastic

ALL:
Award

Hey, did you see his award?
(Who'd have guessed he got
Every answer correct)
Frank won a major award
(So impressed, it's a man
You gotta respect)

Who won?
He won
It's he
I see
(THE OLD MAN: Well, gee)
Blame me
That prize
(THE OLD MAN: Oy vay)
Is it true?
Is it you?
It's two-hundred and three?
(THE OLD MAN: Probably)
He won a major award
(THE OLD MAN: I won a major award)
He won a major award
(THE OLD MAN: I won a major award)
He won a major award