Gaston

Who does she think she is?
That girl has tangled with the wrong man!
Darn right
No one says "no" to Gaston!
Dismissed! Rejected!
Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.

More beer?
What for? Nothing helps
I'm disgraced
Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps.

Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why.

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on.

No one's been like Gaston
A king pin like Gaston
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

My what a guy, that Gaston!
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
Gaston is the best
And the rest is all drips.

No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston.

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston!
For there's no one as burly and brawny
As you see I've got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
That's right!
And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair.

No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston
I'm espcially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!
Ten points for Gaston!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Gaston!
No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
I use antlers in all of my decorating!
My what a guy.

Say it again
Who's a man of a man?
And lets say it once more
Who that hero next door?
Who's a super success?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his life hangers on
There's just one man in town
Who's got all of it down
And his name's G A S T
G A S T E
G A S T O, oh
Gaston.