It's A Pig!

Honoria
Who are you? Someone quick! There's a man broken in!
In a pig mask, broken in my bedroom!
Stand well clear! He's all mine!
I can deal with this swine
With this chauvinist pig in my bedroom!
When I'm through, I will bet
You will live to regret
that you picked on me, you and I ever met
I'm teaching you a lesson that you never will forget
You're a pig! What a pig! What a pig!

Madeline
Oh dear, help! It's a pig! Daddy, help it's a pig!
There's a beastly piggy in my bedroom.

Honoria
Cornered! He's cornered!
Madeline
Is it real or a dream?
Get away, or I'll scream!
Who on earth let this pig in my bedroom?
Honoria
Lend a hand! Bar the door!
And we've trapped him for sure
Madeline
I shall die if the thing makes a mess on my floor...

Honoria
Speaking as a woman who has hunted wild boar
What's a pig, more or less? What's a pig?
Now we've got him!

Bertie
Look, it's Bertie...
Honoria
Nice and easy...

Madeline
It's so dirty!
Bertie
Listen, Maddy...
Madeline
Don't come near me!
Honoria
Don't dare touch her, do you hear me!
Bertie
Oh, this damn thing's stuck completely!
Exit Wooster, swift and sweetly!

Honoria/Madeline
Follow that pig!
Bassett
Bless my soul! Who are you? What on earth's going on?
There's a circus artist in my bedroom.

Madeline
Stop him!
Honoria
We've got him!

Bassett
Can't believe both my eyes
There's a chap in disguise
There's a cat burgling pig in my bedroom
Careful, girls, all stand back
He may try to attack...
It's a well known fact that they hunt as a pack
Wait while I distract him, try to put him off the track
Watch that pig!

Honoria
Watch the pig!
Madeline
Watch the pig!
Bertie
Listen, people...
Bassett
Don't you try it!
Madeline
Tried to kiss me
Bertie
I deny it!
Bassett
Oh, you swine you!

Honoria
Caught him looting!
Bassett
Raise your hands or I'll start shooting!
Bertie
With a badly bruised libido
Exit Wooster trés rapido
Honoria, Madeline, Bassett
Follow that pig!
Hunt the pig! Hunt the pig! Hunt the two-legged pig!
There's a pig loose somewhere in the house here.

Gussie/Honoria/Madeline
Find him!
Bassett/Gussie
And catch him!
Madeline/Honoria
Everybody look out
For the glimpse of a snout.

Bassett/Gussie
For the click of his trotters on the stairway
Madeline
There he is!
Honoria
False alarm!
Bassett
We must try to keep calm
Madeline
I'm afraid! I'm afraid!
Gussie
Then take hold of my arm.

Bassett
I'll let him have both barrels, it'll work just like a charm
On the pig.

Bertie
Steady on!

All
There's the pig!
There's the pig! There's the pig! There's the housebreaker pig!
There's the pig with criminal intentions
Once he's caught there is talk
We'll reduce him to pork
In a way that's too terrible to mention
Can't escape, now he's caught
He can grunt he can snort
It's a great new game, chasing porkers for sport
Now we've got him cornered there's a lesson to be taught
To the pig, to the pig, to the pig.