Plain Jane Fat Ass

IVY
Funny, umbilical chord detached--
Hey Romeo...you coming?

JASON
In a sec...

(Ivy and Peter exit, and Nadia approaches Jason)

NADIA
Congratulations, Romeo! Dad'll be excited

JASON
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that conversation...

NADIA
Now, don't forget that behind every great man is a dimwitted sister who just wants to be fed. Nurse! Who knew? I thought for sure I'd get Peasant Number 8...
Or Jolly Spinstress Number 3...

JASON
I know you have more confidence in your acting than that

NADIA
Oh, I do
I know a girl full of confidence
Yes, whenever she's full, she's a confident girl
She'll have your piece of pie
Then inhale another ten
There's a thin girl inside her with twelve of her friends
Hips that could bear you a buffalo

JASON
Longhorn?

NADIA
Ass thats so vast, I could block out the sun

JASON
You know that you're insane

NADIA
I'm a caution for the vain
Mothers say 'Well, dear, there's fat, then there's Jane'

Plain Jane fat ass
Guilty of swallowing Jenny Craig whole
Plain Jane fat ass
Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role

JASON
Why are you so hard on yourself?

NADIA
Why are you such an overachiever?

JASON
Dad...

NADIA
Mom...

JASON
Nadia, it's just that I know you'd be happier

NADIA
Okay, kiddo, I didn't spend thousand of dollars on private golf lessons so you could quit the team sophomore year

JASON
It's mind over matter...

NADIA
...If you keep your mind focused

JASON
We just want you to be happy...

NADIA
...To make us happy
But why can't the fat girl play Juliet?
It's the plumpest of roles, so then why not pick me?

JASON
It's just a stupid show

NADIA
Says the dashing Romeo
Well, I've played a servant for years in a row
But I'll have the last laugh, you bet your ass
Hurt me? You can't! I have mounds of thick skin
Beating high school doesn't last, and someday, I have a hunch
That I'll eat them for breakfast and shit them for lunch

Plain Jane fat ass
Hungry for love, she's a sensitive soul
Plain Jane fat ass
Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role

Dad's birthday package arrived two weeks late as usual. Here's your birthday check: Financial proof that Dad loves you, and oh, surprise! A note:
'Dear Jason
Please find enclosed
This very thick package that came for you yesterday
I talked to Father Flynn, and he told me you were in
But call anyway when you open it...'
Notre Dame!
'We always knew that you'd keep the McConnell flame burning
Love, Dad'

JASON
Hey, what did Dad get you?

NADIA
You mean what did Dad's secretary get me?
These earrings
I think they're slimming...
What do you think?

JASON
Come here

(They hug)