Practically Perfect (Live)

Thoughtless, short-tempered and untidy
By the time the wind has blown
The weather vane around
I'll show you, if I can
No matter what the circumstance
For one thing I'm renown
My character is spit-spot spic and span
I'm practically perfect
In every way
Practically perfect?

So people say
Each virtue virtually knows no bound
Each trait is great and patently sound.

I'm practically perfect from head to toe
If I had a fault it would never dare to show
I'm so practically perfect
In every way.

Both prim and proper and never too stern
Well-educated yet willing to learn
I'm clean and honest, my manner refined
And I wear shoes of the sensible kind.

I suffer no nonsense and whilst I remain
There's nothing else I feel I need explain.

I'm practically perfect in every way
Practically perfect, that's my forte
Uncanny nannies are hard to find
Unique, yet meek, unspeakably kind.

I'm practically perfect, not slightly soiled
Running like an engine that's just been freshly oiled
I'm so practically perfect
In every way
Well, those are my credentials. Perhaps you have a few questions?

Not temperamental?
Never
Not grouchy or gruff?
Oh, the very thought.

Will you stay tender
When the going gets tough?
Quite the contrary.

Do you read stories
Without a big fuss?
Or have objections
To playing with us?

Oh, I like games, but I choose them
Some minor improvements may not go amiss
But at all times you must remember this
You're practically perfect
In every way.

I guarantee
Practically perfect
We hope you'll stay.

No flies on me
Each virtue virtually knows no bound
Each trait is great
And patently sound.

Patently sound
Spit-spot! Jane, put your toys away, please.

Do I have to?
Yes. Michael, tidy your things
It's not fair!

I didn't say I was fair. I said
I'm practically perfect, and here's my aim
By the time I leave here you both will be the same
You'll be practically perfect
Practically perfect
You (We) will be practically perfect
In every way.