September Song

ALL
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh
Festival medley, festival medley

JEFF and SUSAN
Lots of things are happening
At the festival in September
Lots of people are coming
To watch us do our stuff

HEIDI and HUNTER
Our pants are what we're crapping
At the festival in September
We're nervous as holy hell

ALL
And did we do enough
To get someone
With money

SUSAN
To like us?

JEFF
Trust us?

HUNTER
Back us?

HEIDI
Love us?

SUSAN
(spoken)
Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked

HUNTER
Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put on my shirt because
I get sweaty under my left pit when I'm nervous

SUSAN
That is specific

HEIDI
You should go onstage like that

HUNTER
I would never go onstage without my shirt. We should have Jeffy take his shirt off

JEFF
I'm not taking my shirt off

HUNTER
Yeah, take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over
Heidi, you take your top off too

HEIDI
Hunter, I'm not going to take off my top

HUNTER
Both of you, take off your fucking shirts so we can sell some tickets to the show!

SUSAN
Yeah!

HUNTER
That's hot

SUSAN
Now y'all, kiss. Serious y'all, kiss

JEFF
Okay, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna kiss her

SUSAN
I'll kiss her

HUNTER
Oh my god, this show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action!

SUSAN and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival medley

JEFF and HUNTER
Vegetable medley

HUNTER and JEFF
TV actors in out show
What could be sweeter
We could get that woman who was one "Empty Nest"...

HEIDI
(spoken)
Hey Swasson...are you okay?

SUSAN
No, Heidi, I'm bummed we only have four more of these
I like doing the show. It balances out my day job which is killing me softly
I wrote this song sitting at my desk today...I'd like to sing it...for you now...

(sung)
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
If you shined a flashlight in my butt you'd see
I'm dying inside

HUNTER and JEFF
(simultaneously)
Are we writing for
Are we writing for
Are we writing for
Are we writing for

SUSAN and HEIDI
Inside!

HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley

SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley

HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley

SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley...

HUNTER
(spoken)
Has your mom come to every show?

JEFF
Every one

HUNTER
My mom is here tonight

JEFF
Oh my god, that's right

HUNTER
I'm nervous. All that stuff about porn and fuck this and fuck that, and masturbating...

JEFF
Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated

HUNTER
Oh my god

HUNTER and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival medley

SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley

HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley

ALL
Thirty-one

JEFF and HEIDI
Musicals in a scuffle
At the festival in September
All competing for ticket sales
And coverage in the press

SUSAN and HUNTER
(simultaneously)
Ahh

SUSAN and HUNTER
We don't wanna get
Lost in the shuffle
At the festival in September
But we're gonna get lost in the shuffle

JEFF and HEIDI
(simultaeously)
Ahh

ALL
That is unless

HEIDI and JEFF
There is someone

HUNTER and SUSAN
Someone

ALL
With notoriety

SUSAN
To like us

JEFF
Trust us

HUNTER
Need us

ALL
Love us!

HUNTER
(spoken) Hello?

JEFF
Hey, we got a bad review

HUNTER
I thought we agreed not to read reviews. What did it say?

JEFF
Well, it was like "the script is a sign of bad things to come" and "the songs were forgettable"...

HUNTER
You can't believe reviews. Wait, I'm getting another call

JEFF
Don't go away, I'm needy!

HUNTER
Hello?

HEIDI
Hunter, did you see it?

HUNTER
See what?

HEIDI
Hunter, page 2, Friday Times, Weekend section. They loved us!

HUNTER
What? Oh my god! Hey, Jeff's on the other line. Hang on

HEIDI
Okay

HUNTER
Jeff, we got a good review in The New York Times

JEFF
What?

HUNTER
Yeah! Page two, weekend section! This is so awesome!

JEFF
Wait a second, I thought you said not to read or believe that stuff

HUNTER
That was some bullshit I pulled out of my ass to make us feel better
Hey, let's conference in the girls. Heidi?

HEIDI
Hunter?

JEFF
Heidi?

HEIDI
Jeffery?

HUNTER
Susan?

SUSAN
Hunter?

JEFF
Susan?

SUSAN
Jeffy?

HEIDI
Susan?

SUSAN
Heidi?

ALL
Yay! Party line!

HUNTER
Hey, Susan, we got a good review in The New York Times!

SUSAN
Awesome! The Gray Lady, baby

HUNTER
Jeff, what was that bad review in anyway?

JEFF
Broadway.com

HUNTET
Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and suck my

SUSAN, JEFF, and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival Medley

HUNTER
(spoken)
...it can suck my fucking cock!

ALL
(sung)
Festival medley
Lots of things are
Happening at the festival
Everywhere you turn
There's a fuss!
There's mayhem abounding
At the festival in September
Lots of things are happening
They're happening...

There's no stopping the momentum
Of the festival in September
Who knows what
Will all come from
The festival in September
Aaaah
It's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival
Aaaah
Said it's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival

ALL
(spoken)
That was amazing! Woo-hoo! Etc...

HUNTER
You guys, we had fancy producer and industry people here tonight

HEIDI
Oh my gosh, well get out there and go schmooze with them!

JEFF
Wish us luck!

HEIDI and SUSAN
Ahh! Sluck, sluck, sluck!
Good luck! Good luck!