The Amazing Fantastical History Of Mr. Willy Wonka

Ten minutes 'till dinner? Just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka!
Didn't we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night?
No
I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night!
And the night before that.

I don't mean to be rude, Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old, and well, maybe a bit forgetful.
Have we really never, ever, told the boy about it?
Not once!
Well, for his entire life the tot has not once told a lie.
I told you so
But can we answer all his queries?
Can we cover all the theories?
All the beds are staged, so dearies
Let us try!

What a clever man he is, this Mister Wonka
There's so many tales to tell
All about the tasty sweets that made the people
Gather 'round for just one smell.

Children gnawed
While in their rompers
Chocolate eggs between their chompers
'Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue
Yes Mister Willy Wonka.

Has a sex appeal what makes me feel young!
There, I said it!
Oh, you little minx!
From all around the world they called on Mister Wonka
King, and queens, and presidents
Even down in Rome, the pope left home
And in the factory took up residence.

Dalai Llamas and their mamas
Had such episodes and dramas
Even Ghandi got himself into a brawl
For Mister Willy Wonka
We all sing for he's the king of them all
There were sugar balloons
And macaroons
On feathery sweets
And marshmallow treats
Transforming wheezing geezers to a child.

And let me say that Mister Willy Wonka
Whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild
Well, he does!
Tell the one about the Indian prince! The one about Prince Pondicherry!
Oh, you like the scary ones, don't you, Charlie?

Willy Wonka went to India
Near the kingdom of Madras
Where he met Prince Pondicherry
Who was rich but awfully crass
He had wed a Maharani
Who craved chocolate for each meal
So he called up Willy Wonka
And he said-

Grandpa George:
"Let's make a deal!
I will pay a million rupee
For a house to please her belly
We will be the talk of Punjab
And the toast of all New Delhi!"

Grandpa Joe:
"I will gladly build this fortress,"
Wonka said, "but just one thing,
It will be nice for the winter
But it won't last past the spring!"

Grandma Josephine and Grandma Georgina:
"For the sun will make a river
Of this chocolate Taj Mahal"

"And you'll end up in hot chocolate
With your chocolate femme fatale!"

But the Prince he wouldn't listen.
"Use a Bon-Bon for the dome
I won't rest until my missus
Eats me out of house and home!"

And so Wonka built a showplace
But when summer came around
All the walls began to melt
'Till every ceiling hit the ground.

But the Prince and Princess perished
Drowning in the chocolate flow
Yes they died 'cause they were greedy
Ah, but what a way to go
Oh, but, Charlie. Then the spies came!
Ficklegruber
Prodnose
And Slugworth.

Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared
Wonka closed down he factory and no chocolate was made for a very long time
And then one night, the lights came back on again, and strange shadows appeared at the windows
Yes! The factory was up and running again!
But how? Nobody's ever gone in, and nobody's ever come out
And that is one of the great mysteries of the chocolate making world.

Yes the smoke returned to the chimneys
But the gates stayed locked and chained
And strange shadows
Ghostly shadows!
Appeared at the window unexplained.

Yes, out went Ficklegruber
Prodnose, Slugworth
No one went in which was quite bizarre
But the factory churned
And the sweets returned
If we could only afford one bar.

So, Charlie, now you're up to date on Willy Wonka
Now you know what he's about
Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in
At least the chocolates still come out
Now once again each brother's daughter
Feels her mouth begin to water
In Brazil they gave up coffee
For a taste of Wonka toffee
Now each nose would sense olfactory
Thinks the factory's satisnacktory.

For a single whiff I might commit a crime.
Yes, Mister Willy Wonka's
Like I said!
A man ahead of his time
I've still got it!
I think I slipped a disc
I think I need a pee
I think I just had one.