No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!
I feel home again
I could hear the city bells
Ring whatever I would do
No, there's no pl
No, there's no place like London
Mr. Todd, sir?

You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn
It is here we go our several ways
Farewell, Anthony, I will not soon forget
The good ship Bountiful nor the young man who saved my life.

There's no cause to thank me for that, sir
It would have been a poor Christian indeed who'd have spotted
You pitching and tossing on that raft and not given the alarm.

There's many a Christian would have done
Just that and not lost a wink's sleep for it, either.

Alms!. .. Alms!
For a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly morning
Thank yer, sir, thank yer.

'Ow would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig jig
A little bounce around the bush?
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear
Like you got plenty there to push.

Alms! ... Alms!
For a pitiful woman
Wot's got wanderin' wits
Hey, don't I know you, mister?

Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you, off, I say!
Then 'ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?
We'll go jig jig
A little

Off, I said. To the devil with you!
Alms!. .. Alms!
For a desperate woman.

Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her
She was only a half-crazed beggar woman
London's full of them.

I beg your indulgence, boy
My mind is far from easy, for in these once-familiar streets
I feel the chill of ghostly shadows everywhere. Forgive me.
There's nothing to forgive
Farewell, Anthony
Mr. Todd, before we part
What is it?

I have honored my promise never to question you
Whatever brought you to that sorry shipwreck is your affair
And yet, during those many weeks of the voyage home
I have come to think of you as a friend and
If trouble lies ahead for you in London
If you need help or money
No!

There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London.

At the top of the hole
Sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed.

I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as Peru
But there's no place like London!

There was a barber and his wife
And she was beautiful
A foolish barber and his wife
She was his reason and his life
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was
Naive.

There was another man who saw
That she was beautiful
A pious vulture of the law
Who with a gesture of his claw
Removed the barber from his plate
Then there was nothing but to wait
And she would fall
So soft
So young
So lost
And oh, so beautiful!

And the lady, sir did she succumb?
Oh, that was many years ago
I doubt if anyone would know.

Now, leave me, Anthony, I beg of you
There's somewhere I must go
Something I must find out
Now. And alone.

But surely we will meet again before I'm off to Plymouth!
If you want, you may well find me
Around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder
Well, until then, Mr. Todd.

There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And it's filled with people
Who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it.