Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

[Tobias:]
Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention, perlease
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see
Something wot rose from the dead
On the top of my head.

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was suddenly struck with
A rare Oriental disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As novice's knees
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
And illustrious barber
Pirelli my name
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told
And behold
Less than thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's Miracle elixir
That's wot did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

[Company:]
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know
Go ahead, sir, harder. You don't need—
Ah, let's go
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulatin', i'n' it
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See that chap with
Hair like Shelley's
You can tell 'e's
Used Pirelli's.

[Company:]
Let me have a bottle.
Make that two.

[Mrs. Lovett:]
Pardon me, sir
What's that awful stink?

[Todd:]
Smells to me like piss
And looks like ink.

[The next six parts are sung simultaneously]

[Tobias:]
Go ahead and feel, Mum
Absolutely real, Mum.

[Todd & Lovett:]
Smells to me like piss
And looks like ink.

[Anthony & Beggar Woman:]
How about a beer
You know a pub
There's one close by.

[Tobias:]
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
Anything wot's sick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls!

See Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!

Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
That'll do the trick, sir.

[Company:]
What about the money?

[Tobias:]
If you've got it a kick, sir—

[Company:]
What about the money
Where is this Pirelli
Go and get Pirelli!

[Tobias:]
Tell it to the mixer What about the money
Of the miracle elixir— Where is this Pirelli
If you've got a kick, sir—

[Todd:]
Signor Pirelli. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd and I have serviced no kings, yet I wager I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank! You see these razors? I lay them against five pounds you are no match for me.

[Pirelli:]
You hear zis foolish man? Watch and see how he will regret his folly.

[Todd:]
Will beadle Bamford be the JUDGE?

[BEADLE:]
Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors.
[Pirelli:] Ready!
[TODD:] Ready!