Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

[TOBIAS:]
Ladies and gentlemen!
May I have your attention, perlease?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare.

Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose from the dead!
(A woman gasps — he smiles and wiggles his finger no)
On the top of my head
Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a 'orrible
Dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees.

I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told
And behold!
(Doffs his cap dramatically, revealing mountains of hair which cascade to his shoulders)
Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's wot did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
(To 1ST man)
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

[1ST MAN:]
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know.. .

[TOBIAS:] (To 3RD MAN)
Go ahead and tug, sir.

[3RD MAN:]
Penny for a bottle, is it?

[TOBIAS:]
Go ahead, sir, harder. ..
(Stopping the 1ST man, who's quite bald, by pouring a drop on his head)
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
(Takes the man's hand and gently applies it to the wet spot)
Rub a minute
Stimulatin', i'n' it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!
Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

[1ST MAN:] (to 2ND MAN)
Penny buys a bottle, might as well.. .
(Looks hesitantly to 2ND man)

[TOBIAS:]
Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
(Points to a man standing nearby)
See that chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell 'e's
Used Pirelli's!

Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir:
Anything wot's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's!
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls!