Where I'm At

Its so hard to talk... when you wanna kill yourself.

I havent figured out a decent word
To take the lead of the phrase to describe this thought
It's a word with a "dis-" like a thick disorder
A disease, disappointment, disaster, distraught
Disruptive and draining,
The paint on the walls of my brain is all flakey and peeling away
Foundation is shaking
Through smiles that im faking
Im achingly trying to get through each day
These struggles are backed by the fact that compassion is.. lacking
Like the true definition of real understanding falls.. flat
Theres a sky up above but i see it all shaking and.. cracking
And through the cracks i see no answer
I dont know where im at.

You're probably wondering, "uh why? Why would you wanna kill yourself?"
Uh that's a great question
It's like I hear this relentless buzzing, and it just gets louder, and louder and LOUDER.

As it start to build, you cant look down
Standing off, clench your jaw
You lost sight of normal
Try to stay somewhere safe like your childhood memories
Too bad you cant escape the mental thunderstorm
The days on repeat,
Every week with a shrink
Face-to-face with a doctor whose interest depleted
Sessions complete with the same stupid question
All therapists ask without skipping a beat
With zero finesse,
Every shrink has expressed
Their endorsement of pills that make life less depressing
Addressing my stresses
And pressures
Subjectively seems like what doctors might do when theyre guessing.

Seventeen years and emotions are scattered and raging
Numbing the pain with the pill
Till stabilitys flat

But numbing the pain is just dumbing me down, nothings changing
Im staring blankly at the walls
I dont know where im at.

And you think!
Getting older will make ALL of this easier. It doesnt. Getting older just means more responsibilities. And more responsibilities, less help.

Frustrations turn into a dim-lit light
On in the middle of a room at night
Cant see the little bit of glow
No.

Wrong or right
No one seems to bother asking
If we might need a little middle-of-a-road
How could you know?

I guess you had to be there
(I tried to tell you but you dont understand)
(I tried to tell you but you dont understand)
I guess you had to be there
(I tried to tell you but you dont understand)
(Understand)

And that's just where im at
Always scared of my potential
Never get how im essential
Yeah thats where im at
Where youre force-fed what they hand you
Where your friends dont understand you.

"Sup dick!"

This is Aaron! We've been friends for exactly 2 years. The things i know about him are: hes handsome. He has a 7.9 gpa. He can juggle. Uh, he's loaded, and hes singlehandedly keeping the marijuana industry alive!

"Nia's coming over."

Oh, one more thing? I like girls. Well, actually, I like girl.

"Hi Craig!"

"Hey!"

Uh, this is Nia? Ive known her for exactly 5 years, shes known me for exactly one. The things i know about her are: her favourite tv show is world's wildest police chases! Her favourite number is 37! Uh, shes a budding amateur bowler. And shes as beautiful and curvy as the new york city skyline. I like her. A lot.

"Hey babe!"

Oh one more thing, shes dating Aaron.

"Babe, are you still good for webster hall on saturday?"

"Ooh, cant babe. Got a thing."

"O-okay, what about you, Craig-"

"Oh! Oh--"

"Do you know anybody?"

"Uh no, no. I dont know anybody."

"Okay! You ready to get out of here?"

Wrong or right, no one seems to bother asking

"See you around, Craig"

If we might need a little middle-of-the-road

"Later dick!"

How could you know
Just where im at
Where your friends dont care about you
Where theyre better off without you
Look at where im at
Where your mom and dad dont get you
Try to live but then forget to.

Which brings me to my family! Uh my family loves me. Well, they put up with me. Well, we put up with each other.

On paper we're perfect
But paper is thin
As thin as my dad views the state of my skin.

"George, would you like to say grace?"

"Absolutely"

And so it begins

"Dear Lord, we ask that you keep..."

They pray a few things,
I just stare at my cup
Theyll ask that i eat but ill throw it back up
No one dreads dinners at home like i do.

"Craig, hows the studying going?"

Right on cue

"Craig! Im talking to you!"
"Craig, honey!"

It's going fine

"Thats nice!"
"Fine is bad"
"Fine's okay"
"Fine's not great"
"If you say so"
"Craig listen-"
"More wine?"
"I think fine is just fine!"

This is my sister, Leila. Ive known her for exactly 11 years! Because shes 11. Uhm. Shes one of those kids that can make you believe in reincarnation? I want to be like her when i grow up!

"Leila, how was your day?"

So today was only Wednesday
We had our weekly quiz
English: got a hundred
Science: got a hundred
Math was a struggle, but i got a 97.

"A 97? What happened with math"
"It's AP calculus, dad. And I'm only eleven!"
"Craig! Something wrong with your chicken patties?"
"No."
"Well, then eat."
"I have no problem eating? Uhm, keeping it down is the hard part."
"Listen to your father, sweetheart"
"Yknow, fasting today makes food good tomorrow! German proverb"
"Dammit, Craig! This is getting ridiculous! EAT!"
"IM NOT HUNGRY!"

Can you blame me?
I know this cant be right
I stomach down and no wonder I lost my appetite
They try to save me
No one keeps me up at night
They think they know whats best for me
But they dont know
Where im at!

To sum up, im 17 years old. I dont know anything about most things but here's what i do know. (Where im at!) Im a literal piece of wallpaper! A cog in a wheel in a machine thats irrelevant. (Where im at!) I have enough anxiety to fill a crater in the moon. And im running out of options. Or maybe, ive already run out.

Burnt-down light,
Up in the attic
So youre up all night
Put out the little bit of glow
So, thats just life
Thrown in the middle of a
Losing fight,
Stuck but theyre forcing us to grow
So, dim-lit light (dim-lit light)
On in the middle of a
Room at night (room at night)
Cant see the little bit of glow
S'no wrong or right
No one seems to bother asking
If we might
Need a little middle-of-the-road
How could you know?
I guess you had to be there
(I tried to tell you but you dont understand)
Hi! Im Craig Gilner
(I tried to tell you but you dont understand)
I always look like im about to cry? So i move the muscles on my face - they make me smile!
And that's my life!
(And this is where im at!)

Any questions?