Miracle (Part 1)

My mummy says i'm a miracle!
My daddy says i'm his special little guy!
Ow!
I am a princess!
And i am a prince
Mum says i'm an angel sent down from the sky!
My daddy says i'm his special little soldier
No one is as handsome, strong as me
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge
But i'm his little soldier
Hup, two, four, free.

My mummy says i'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me
Ow!

My daddy says i'm his special little soldier
No one is as bold or tough as me
Has my daddy told ya
One day when i'm older
I can be a soldier
And shoot you in the face!
A party entertainer enters with balloons.

One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days
It seems that there are millions of these "one in a millions" these days
Specialness is de rigueur
Above average is average. Go fig-ueur!
Is it some modern miracle of calculus
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous?

My mummy says i'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me.

My mummy says i'm a precious barrelina
She has never seen a!
Prettier barrelin–a!
She says if i'm keen, i have to cut down on the cream
But i'm a barrelina
So give me more cake!

Four couples, crouched down behind the table, begin to stand and speak
Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here
She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers
What a dear!

That's right, honey. Look at mummy
Don't put honey on your brother
Smile for mummy! Smile for mother!
I think he blinked
Well, take another!

Have you seen his school report? He got a c on his report!
What?
We'll have to change his school. The teacher's clearly falling short.

She's just delightful
So hilarious
Wand insightful
Might she be a little brighter than her class?
Oh, yes, she's definitely advanced!

The couples and the children overlap the next two verses, as children split themselves among five couples and execute rote choreography.

Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here
She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers
What a dear!
That's right, honey, look at mummy
Don't put honey on your brother
Smile for mummy, smile for mother
I think he blinked
Well, take another!

My mummy says i'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me.

My mummy says i'm a
Miracle!
That i'm as tiny and as shiny as a
Mirror ball!
You can be all cynical
But it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle
As me.

A curtain is wheeled in with the words "5 years ago" painted on it. It is flanked by amanda and eric in lab coats over their costumes. Mrs wormwood is behind the curtain. A doctor enters.

Look, is this gonna take much longer, doctor?
I've got a plane to catch at three
I'm competing in the bi-annual international
Amateur salsa and ballroom dancing championships in paris
You're getting on a plane, mrs wormwood?

Of course i am. I always compete, doctor
But this time, i've got a secret weapon
Rudolpho! He's part italian, you know. Very supple
Has incredible upper-body strength.

I think we should have a talk
Mrs wormwood walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant
So, what is it? What's wrong with me?
Mrs wormwood, do you really have no idea?
Gas?
Mrs wormwood, i want you to think very carefully
What do you think might be the cause of – this?
Mrs wormwood gasps.
Am i. .. Am i. .. Look, am i fat?
You're pregnant!
What?!
You're going to have a baby

But i've got a baby! I don't want another one
Isn't there something you can do?
You're nine months pregnant!
Antibiotics, or. .. Oh, my good lord!
What about the bi-annual international
Amateur salsa and ballroom dancing championships?