Bruce

MISS TRUNCHBULL
Yes! Bogtrotter, it is.

BRUCE
Well, I did. Thank you.

MISS TRUNCHBULL
Wonderful. Marvellous. That makes me so happy. It gives me a warm glow in my lower intestine. Oh, cook.. .
(The cook enters, holding an enormous chocolate cake on a tray, along with a wooden spoon. She puts it down on the desk behind BRUCE. She exits, not before scratching her behind and wiping her nose.)
MISS TRUNCHBULL
What's the matter, Bogtrotter? Lost your appetite?

BRUCE
Well, yes. I'm full.

MISS TRUNCHBULL
Oh, no, you are not "full". I'll tell you when you are full. And I say that criminals like you are not full until you have eaten the entire cake.

BRUCE: But –

MISS TRUNCHBULL
No "buts". You haven't got time for "but". Eat.

BRUCE
But I can't eat it all!

MISS HONEY
Headmistress, he'll be sick!

MISS TRUNCHBULL
He should have thought of that before he made a pact with Satan and decided to steal my cake!
[sometimes, to be in time with the music: Well? Come on!]
Eat!

CHILDREN: He can't!

MISS TRUNCHBULL: Eat!

CHILDREN: He surely can't!

MISS TRUNCHBULL: Eat!

CHILDREN: He might explode!

MISS TRUNCHBULL: Eat!!

MISS TRUNCHBULL strides to the board. Over the course of the song, she writes on the board: "Copy one million times by tomorrow. I am FULL when and only when the Headmistress says I am FULL. I am GUILTY when the Headmistress says I am GUILTY."

CHILDREN
A single slice,
Or even two, Bruce,
Might have been nice,
But even you, Bruce,
Have to admit
Between you and it,
There's not a lot of difference in size.

He can't!
He can!
Bruce!
He surely can't!
He surely can't!
You are the man,
Bruce!
He might explode!
He's quite elastic.. .
He's going to blow. Make him stop!
He's fantastic! Look at him go!
I can't watch!

I think in effect,
This must confirm, Bruce,
What we all suspected.
You have a worm,
Bruce!
Or maybe your largeness
Is like the TARDIS:
Considerably roomier inside.

He can't!
He can!
He surely can't!
He surely can't!
You are the man,
Bruce!

B-R-O-O-C-E!
Bruce!
You'll never again be subject to abuse for your immense caboose.
She'll call a truce, Bruce.
With every swallow, you are tightening the noose.
We never thought it was possible,
But here it is, coming true:
We can have our cake and it it too!

The time has come to put that tumbly-tum to use.
No excuse, Bruce.
Let out your belt. I think you'll want your trousers loose.

Oh –
Stuff it in. (Bruce!) You're almost finished. (Bruce!)
You'll fit it in.
Whatever you do, just don't give in.
Don't let her win.
Come on, Bruce, be our hero.
Cover yourself in chocolate glory!

BRUCE
It's too much! It's just too much!

MATILDA
Go on, Bruce. Do it.

MISS TRUNCHBULL
Silence!

(BRUCE wilts by the desk. LAVENDER puts the wooden spoon back in his hand. He drops it again. Then after several seconds, he picks it up and returns to the cake with renewed vigour.)

CHILDREN
Oh –
Bruce!
You'll never again be subject to abuse for your immense caboose.
She'll call a truce, Bruce.
Just one more bite and you'll've completely cooked her goose.
We never thought it was possible,
But here it is, coming true:
We can have our cake and eat it –

Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah!

(MISS HONEY jumps up and down with joy)

MISS HONEY
Go on, Brucey! Yeah! Yes!