Research Me Obsessively

Hey, what are you doing for the next, like, thirteen hours?
Don't do anything healthy
Don't be productive
Give in to your desire.

Research me obsessively
Uh-huh!
Find out everything you can about me
You know you want to dig for me relentlessly
Uh-huh!
Using every available search tool and all forms of social media.

You know you want to look at my Instagram
But it's private
So Google me until you find out where I went to high school
And then set up a fake Instagram account
Using the name and the photo of someone that went to my high school
And hope that I remember that person a little bit.

Then request access to my private Instagram from the fake account
And in the meantime, scour my work Instagram account
'Cause that one's public.

Research me obsessively
Uh-huh!
Find an actual picture of my parents' house on Google Maps
You know you want to hunt for me tirelessly
Uh-huh!
It's not stalking 'cause the information is all technically public.

Check out every guy I used to date
And deduce who broke up with who
Based on the hesitation in our smiles.

So many unanswered questions
Did I go to the University of Texas?
Am I an EMT?
Is that my obituary, in which I'm survived by my loving husband Eddie of fifty years, children Susan and Matthew, and grandchild Stephanie?
Wait, no. That's just all people with my same name
Or is it? Pay only $9.99 on a background check website to know for sure.

So don't stop
Just research me obsessively
Uh-huh!
And in lieu of flowers donate to other me's favorite charity.

Research me
Just research me
And research me
And research me
Oops
It's three days later.