I'm The Villain In My Own Story

[Rebecca]
I try to be good to others
Treat my fellow men like brothers and sisters
That's the story I'm the hero in
So how come I can't zero in
On why this song sounds so sinister?

Oh my God…
I'm the villain in my own story
I'm the witch in my own tale
Though I insist I'm the protagonist
It's clear that my soul is up for sale.

I'm the villain in my own story
The bad guy in my TV show
I'm the “who” in the “whodunit”
When I go to hell I'll run it
As Satan's CFO!

[Rebecca, spoken]
He needs someone to do the books
Actually, I shouldn't do that
I'm terrible with money.

[Rebecca]
But wait, how am I a villain?
I give annually to UNICEF
And just last week I helped a lady cross the street
Who was super old and deaf.

[Rebecca, spoken]
Wait, where am I?
Ah, a bird!

[Rebecca]
I'm the villain in my own story
I'm the bitch in the corner of the poster
I'm the figure in the doorway or the Kraken up in Norway
God, who is this song's composer?

[Rebecca, spoken]
It's, like, ridiculously sinister-like redunkulously sinister.

[Rebecca, spoken with witch voice]
Well, well, well. Looks like I've got you now, Valencia.

[Valencia, spoken with princess voice]
What do you want to do with me, you evil witch-queen?
I am but a humble yoga instructor!

[Rebecca]
Oh, what I want is... your boyfriend!

[Valencia]
(gasps) Not prince Josh! Anything but prince Josh!
Why are you doing this? I'm Kate Hudson!

[Rebecca]
(aside) We're doing the witch and the princess thing, okay?
Just go with it!

[Valencia]
Okay, so, fine
(princess voice) I'm the princess! Why, why are you doing this to me?

[Rebecca]
Because I'm jealous of you and your life!
You're so skinny and Josh is so perfect and I want to take it all for myself!
No!
And now, I'll cook you into the traditional dish of dinuguan and serve it to Josh's family!

[Valencia]
No! No, no, no!

[Rebecca, cackles]

[Man]
Shut up!

[Rebecca]
I'm the villain in my own story
My actions have gone way too far
I told myself that I was Jasmine
But I realize now I'm Jafar
We're told love conquers all
But that only applies to the hero
Is the enemy what I'm meant to be?
Is being the villain my destiny?